[FFML] [FANFIC][HP][SPOLIERS] Harry Potter and the Defense Againstthe Dark Arts, Chapter One: "The Request"

[Frederick Herriot]

Got my copy of TDH today.  It looks good so far, so I'll take a pause to 
note some grammatical and spelling errors I spotted reading this.

Fred

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>Please take care to only read if you have finished book seven or want
>to know what happens. This takes place about two months or so after
>the fall of Voldemort. It will cover some of the clean up efforts at
>the school, at the ministry, and the world in General. It will show

I wouldn't spell "general" with a capital letter unless it was the title of 
something.

>the relationships between H/G and R/H and how they grow. I intend this
>to be the most ambitious project I have ever taken on. I will produce
>36 chapters per year between the time of the Fall and the birth of
>H/G's first child (roughly seven years). Each chapter will come out
>weekly.

I'd be a little wary about putting a claim like this in your writer's notes. 
  Real Life certainly has a way of butting into even the most serious 
writer's ambition.

>"I don't know if... Well, it is an unusual request, Mr. Potter,"
>Minerva McGonagall said before folding her hands. "Or, I suppose I
>should say Harry." She took off her glasses and set them down on the
>desk in front of her, as she rubbed her temples. The recently promoted

Drop the comma after "...in front of her."

>headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry looked
>older in that moment than Harry had ever remembered in his years as a
>student.

"...looked older at that moment..."

>"Teaching," she continued, "ar such a young age, especially when a

"at such a young age..."

>number of your friends are still enrolled at Hogwarts... Well don't
>you think that might be construed as a conflict of interests?"

Comma after "...at Hogwarts...Well"

>She held up the hand once more. "You graduated with Distinction,

No need to capitalise "distinction."

>Harry. We are no longer student and professor. We are colleagues, and
>I daresay, perhaps also friends." She smiled a smile Harry had seen
>few times during his school days, a smile that had become increasingly

Change the phrase "few times" to either "infrequently" or "a few times."

>rare as Voldemort's rise to power continued. "You may call me
>Minerva..." The smile faded a bit. "I have been thinking on your
>request to fill the position of the Defense Against the Dark Arts
>professor... As it happens, you are not the only former student to

Drop "the" before "Defence Against the..."

>unsaid, but Neville's eyes told Harry the it had been heard

"...told Harry that it had been heard..."

>"Harry," McGonagall said, " Neville has asked to replace Professor

I would have McGonagall say "Neville has volunteered to replace..."

>Sprout as herbology instructor until she can recover from her wounds

"...instructor while she is recovering from her wounds..."

>The look on Neville's face told Harry that he had not yet been
>informed and this was the first he had heard of the acceptance of his
>request. "Now, Neville, I need to speak to Harry alone. I suggest you

Drop "and this was the first he had heard of the acceptance of his request." 
  Not needed.  If you want, change the phrase to "of McGonagall's decision."

>nodded, closing the door to the headmaster's door, as he had never

"...door to the headmaster's office, as he had..."

>my home. Even more now... now.." he breathed, closing his eyes. It had

"...now.." He then sighed, closing his eyes."

>admit, it is a reason I do not intend to travel abroad. As long as

"...it is one of the reasons I don't intend to travel..."

>"While I am sure that is true, it wouldn't do to have even the

"...that is true.  It wouldn't do to have..."

>Luna Lovegood and Ginny Weasley." She let Harry take a moment to
>consider. "Should I," she continued, "as Headmistress grant it, they

"...take a moment to absorb that."

>during their final year at Hogwarts are free to disenroll themselves.

"...are free to withdraw themselves."

>decision. As you did. So instead, I shall grant her emancipation as I
>confer on her graduation with Distinction from Hogwarts. Is that

"...as I acknowledge her graduation with distinction from Hogwarts."

>placed his hands on the desk in front of him. "Tom Riddle is not the
>only young wizard that becomes a problem later in life. He was not the

"...the only young wizard that became a problem..."

>to allay the fears of the board and the Ministry. Once they see your

"...fears of the Board and the Ministry."

>years!" She pointed her wand at the office door. "Alohamora!" she

The unlocking spell is "Alohomora."

>"Now, get, the lot of you, before I change my mind!" But the smile on

"Now get, the lot of you!  Before I change my mind!"

>They scampered out the door and down the spinning steps of the
>Headmisstress's office, and down into the corridor below. As soon as

Too many "and"s.  "They scampered out the door, down the spinning steps of 
the Headmistress' office, then down into the corridor below."  Also 
remember, when you're putting a possessive ending on a word that ends in the 
"s" sound, you don't need an extra "s" after the apostrophe.

>"Good job, Harry!" Hermione said. "Professor at 18! And no one more 
>deserving!"

I normally spell out numbers under one hundred.  "Professor at eighteen!"  
That's me!

>"Except her o' course," Ron said slyly, earning an elbow in the

"Except her, o' course,"

>Hermione struck at Ron again. "RONALD Weasley! You didn't tell him!
>You promished you'd tell him!"

"RONALD WEASLEY!  You didn't tell him?!  You promised you'd tell him!"

>"Don't call me 'Mione!" Hermione struck again.

"Don't call me ''Mione!'"

>"Ow, devil woman. HERmione and me are heading to Australia to go get
>her parents... And well we're gonna stay a while and then take a tour

"And, well, we're gonna stay awhile..."

>in a different part of his heart han Ron or Hermione. Ginny was in the

"...part of his heart than Ron or Hermione."

>in sports strategy, instead of sorting out the evolution of their

Drop the comma after "in sports strategy."

>other but that doesn't mean we care any less about you, mate."

"...other.  But that doesn't mean..."

>Harry looked over at Ginny, engaged in nervous conversation with
>Neville, well back from the huddle. The two had stepped back, giving

"...at Ginny, she currently engaged in nervous conversation with Neville, 
they both well back from..."

>"Come on, then Harry," said Ron, slapping him on the back. "We've all
>got some moving to do, don't we?"

"Come on then, Harry."

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