[FFML] [Naruto] One Hundred Days - Chapter Sixteen: The Hundredth Day

[Eimii]

> Finally.
>
> Finally, finally, _finally_.
>
> I know this hardly one of the great vaporware chapters of fanfic
> history, being only a bit more than half a year in the writing, but it
> certainly felt like it took way too long to me.  :)

You could've been a condender! I was looking forward to some sort of
brutal, ritualistic cage match amongst the Vaporware Fanfiction
Authors to establish your place in the pecking order of the damned...

Seriously, though, better late than never ^_^. Speaking of witch, i
would have C&C'ed this sooner, but i was getting ready to go out of
town when it was posted- and, as i'm currently still out of town as i
write these words, and i may well be _back_ before i finish looking
over this long chapter, i hope you can forgive my tardiness -_-;...

As it is, i think i shall C&C in installments, because i have little
time at the moment, so here are my comments for the first scene...

>
> At this point, it's time for my ritual proclamation of hope that this
> chapter doesn't suck, with a bit more honest fear than usual.  Beyond
> the fact that it's the last chapter, I - as evidenced by the delay -
> lost momentum multiple times writing this chapter, and I think it
> suffers for it.  I can only hope that the end product is still worth
> your time.
>

I'll see what i can do to help ^_^;;...

>
> [Day One Hundred]
>
>        Yakushi Kabuto frowned as he stepped into the narrow hallway of
> cells.  Mitarashi Kimi had not returned from her mission to find her
> wayward student Ren.

As we're coming in on the middle of 'unfolding events,' and what
happened previously was detailed in the last chapter rather than
glossed over, using their full names here might not be appropriate. We
all know by now who Kabuto and Kimi are, and using their full names
sort of reduces the 'immediacy' of events.


There were two equally disturbing possibilities to
> explain this.  First, that he had not only misread Kimi's plans and
> trustworthiness, but also missed some manner by which her betrayal could

...but had also...

> accomplish something.  Kimi did not strike him as a stupid woman, and
> she would not have betrayed the Sound without some clear purpose in
> mind.

I suppose that might depend on how much of the seal's potential she
anticipated being able to unlock herself. If she was confident that
she could attain the power of the seal without becoming Orochimaru's
slave (and it does not seem that the seals impress loyalty directly
upon minds/souls of the users) then she might weigh her options and
find a greater net profit in fleeing on her own. After all, Orochimaru
is notriously uncaring about the lives of his pawns.

>        The second potential explanation was that Ren had somehow
> defeated her teacher.  A more foolish man than Kabuto might have
> rejected this possibility out of hand, but Kabuto had witnessed enough
> upsets to know that it was hardly impossible.  He had seen more unlikely
> results come to pass, after all.  If Ren was truly that determined and
> strong, no doubt she would already be preparing another attack.

"He had seen more unlikely results come to pass, after all." seems
like a superfluous sentence, as you already mention that he's
witnessed many upsets.

>        Kabuto favored the still form of Kimi's sister, chained to the
> wall in back of one of the cells, with an irritated glance.  Her
> breathing was slow but steady, a sign that he had indeed dosed her
> correctly.  It would be several more hours before she awoke, which would
> give him enough time to engage in a few preliminary investigations
> before drugging her again.  There was no one in the world who had borne
> one of Orochimaru's cursed seals longer than Mitarashi Anko, and there
> was no telling what examination of her body would reveal.

Well, unless you count 'patient zero,'  though i guess his is
'natural,' so it may not count...

Speed of breathing can also be faked, too, but i realize that for the
sake of brevity one might not include other things Kabuto might be
able to do to make sure she's truly sleeping.

>        From the next cell over, Aoki Saburo glared at the Sound ninja
> as he opened the door to Anko's cell and carefully unchained the woman.
> Kabuto gave the captive Mist ninja a slight smile, and the boy's anger
> became almost palpable.  Kabuto began to consider just what Saburo would
> say when his reserve finally broke.

Hmm... he 'begins' to consider it, but you don't elaborate. Not wrong,
really, but i wonder if there might be better word to use, unless you
wanted to say that Naruto interrupted his thoughts or something...

>        It was the third prisoner who spoke first though.  His voice was
> tired and bleary, but Uzumaki Naruto's own anger was clear as he said,
> "What are you doing with her?"
>        Kabuto almost dropped Anko, but instead he gently placed her
> down and turned around to face the blond boy.

'Place' is usually used when you say that the person/object was put
someplace specific, rather than just 'down.' 'Set' is usually used in
that case.

Kabuto's face was
> perfectly smooth as he studied the rapidly more alert seeming Leaf
> ninja.  "It seems," he said, almost to himself, "that Jabisen-kun is not
> as reliable as I'd thought."  With the unfortunate death of the ninja
> who had been watching the prisoners, Kabuto had given the silent boy the
> duty of ensuring that Anko and Naruto remained sedated.
>        "The one who doesn't talk?" Naruto asked, still a little sleepy-
> sounding.
>        Kabuto just stared silently at the waking boy, a more disturbing
> possibility coming to mind as he realized that if Jabisen had failed to
> drug the prisoners last night Anko should be waking as well.  It was
> possible that he had dosed the special jounin but failed to do the same
> to Naruto, but Kabuto found that more unlikely than the alternative.

Hmm... a little wordy there. I would just end the first sentence with,
'the waking boy,' and begin a new one at, 'if Jabisen had failed'...
actually, i would make them one sentence, with a semicolon in between,
but that may just be me. Anyhow, just a suggestion.

>        The Kyuubi's presence inside Naruto gave the boy extraordinary
> healing capabilities, Kabuto knew.  It could even prompt unnatural rapid

Probably don't need 'Kabuto knew' as we know you speak from his POV at
the moment. Also, it should probably be either, 'unnatural, rapid'
with that comma there or, 'unnaturally rapid.'

> regeneration, to an incredible extent if Sasuke's report of the battle

I'd put write that 'regeneration - to an incredible extent, if' to
better represent the flow of thought.

> at the Valley of the End was trustworthy.  Was it really so hard to
> believe that it might also reduce the effectiveness of the sedatives?

It shouldn't be hard to believe at all, especially for Kabuto. Might
be better to say 'It wasn't hard to believe that' and not make it a
rhetorical question.


>        "What?" Naruto asked, sounding a little nervous.
>        Almost casually, Kabuto unlocked the door to the boy's cell and
> stepped inside.  The Leaf ninja tensed, clearly considering trying
> something even though he was chained, but before he could Kabuto laid a
> hand on his shoulder.  "Sleep," the Sound ninja commanded, and Naruto's
> eyes rolled up, his body collapsing against his chains.

You've used 'almost' quite often, to this point. It might work just
with 'Casually, Kabuto unlocked'. Or, if you want to emphasize that he
only appears to be going about it casually, you might do something
like 'Outwardly unconcerned, Kabuto' or somesuch... just a thought,
though.

>        Kabuto frowned as he stared at the sleeping boy.  Though all his
> data noted the boy's weakness against genjutsu, Kabuto could guess that
> the sleeping technique would only hold the boy for minutes at most under
> these circumstances.  The technique worked best when the victim was
> unaware and already calm, after all.

'boy' three times in that paragraph. Might wanna vary it a bit.

>        Giving the still-unmoving special jounin a mournful glance,
> Kabuto relocked the door to Anko's cell, then proceeded to unchain and
> pick up Naruto.  Ignoring Saburo's angry, silent gaze, Kabuto left,
> ascending through the labyrinthine corridors to his laboratory.  He
> barely had time to secure Naruto to the examination table before the boy
> began to stir.

Hmm... do they not keep Anko chained as well? If she were to come to,
she's probably dangerous enough to escape even with Jabisen guarding
her.

>        Kabuto ignored his prisoner's protests and questions as he drew
> some blood for testing and confirmed that the levels of sedative in his
> bloodstream were much lower than should have been the case.  He had just
> finished mixing an extra-strength dose when he was interrupted.
>        "Sasuke!"  Both Sound ninja ignored Naruto's angry shout, and
> the muttering that followed.
>        "I'm not to be disturbed when I'm working, Sasuke-kun," Kabuto
> said mildly.
>        "We have a situation," the Uchiha said tersely, not volunteering
> any other information.

As 'tersely' and 'not volunteering any other information' mean just
about the same thing, here, you may want to remove one. I would change
'said tersely' to 'replied' or perhaps 'stated' or 'snapped,' if you
want to use a word that implies that he's being short.

>        "Explain."  Kabuto reached up to adjust his glasses.
>        "Tayuya and Kidoumaru came back from patrol.  They found Shimano
> Ren."
>        "And?"
>        "She's with a party of Leaf ninja, heading straight for us."
> Sasuke's voice didn't show any emotion.  Naruto's grumblings stopped
> instantly.

If you want to compare them, might make it 'emotion, but'. Just a thought...

>        "Anyone we know?" Kabuto asked, smiling slightly.

Used 'smiled slightly' earlier.

>        Sasuke almost hesitated before responding.  "The leader is a
> woman; I didn't recognize her from Kidoumaru's description.  The

How can one recognize an 'almost pause' if one is not the one almost
pausing? A delay of any sort, however brief or difficult to notice, is
still a delay.

> others..." This time he did pause, but after only a second he began to
> coldly list names.  "Hyuuga Neji.  Rock Lee.  Nara Shikamaru  Yamanaka
> Ino.  Haruno Sakura."

Missing fullstop after 'Shikamaru.'

>        "Sakura-chan!"  Naruto's startled shout turned into a growl, and
> his eyes flared crimson as he began to struggle against his bonds.
> Chakra began to flicker in the air around him.

'began' twice in that paragraph.

>        Kabuto reacted quickly, injecting the boy with the dose he had
> prepared.  For a moment it seemed it would have no effect, but then the
> boy's eyes turned blue and shut.  "That should hold him at least until
> we deal with this," Kabuto commented to himself before turning to
> Sasuke.  "Well, then.  Shall we greet our guests, Sasuke-kun?"
>        The Uchiha just nodded.

Hmm... Kabuto doesn't really strike me as one who would talk to
himself- though he does strike me as the type that would speak for
other people's benefit (or detriment) while seeming to talk to
himself. That's just my opinion, however.

And that's the end of the first scene! Further comments to follow!

~Eimii