[FFML] [SM] Terrible Things to Waste 6 (now with line breaks)

[Jared Waddell]

Line breaks still a little funny, but readable to me:

> 
> 	She tightened her grip on her staff in an effort to steady her wobbly
> legs.  The 
> cold, brisk wind whipped around her tall frame as the last roll of
> thunder roared 
> overhead.  Little droplets of rain swirled in the air making her skin
> tingle, the first 
> sensation she had felt in the last few minutes.      
> 
> 	`I see bringing all of the girls here took more out of me than I had
> anticipated.'  
> She thought, struggling to keep her vision focused.  
> 
> 	In the last dying flashes of lightning, she could see the wrecked
> cavernous hole 
> that used to be the roof's stairwell in the darkness.  The water on the
> rooftop sloshed and 
> churned as the other Sailor Scouts put themselves in position around
> the rubble of the 
> stairwell, waiting for the fallen Timelord to emerge.  
> 
> 	It appeared her gamble paid off.  She had severely weakened herself,
> but they had 
> easily defeated the Timelord, but it paid off.  Though risky, her every
> action had been 
> calculated and deliberate.  If her tenure as the guardian of the Time
> Gate had taught her 
> anything, it had been that those who advertised little of their
> advantages (or the closer one 
> held their cards to their vest, as the saying went), the better the
> chances of victory.  Thus 
> when she sent Jupiter, Mercury, and Mars ahead to engage the Timelord,
> it gave Uranus, 
> Neptune, Saturn, and herself the element of surprise to win.    
> 

Okay, I could have SWORN I read the previous parts and even this one once
before, but... this is unfamiliar all the same. Now for the criticism.

I'm bored with this story. The characters waffle and muse far too much,
and their musings end with no poignancy (I'm sure there's a fancy French
word that's more accurate, but I'm not French). The story has a mix of
action, violence, and humor, but the humor winds up feeling too forced. I
won't say there's too little violence. It's about right, to be honest.

It's... long-winded.

Your grain of salt: Remember I'm as guilty of long-windedness as you are.
Probably moreso. I mean, have you SEEN the crap I write?!

I give this story... a bat-cake! (like a regular cake, but with bats)

Later,
Rick Spiff


 
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