[FFML] H.P. Lovecraft (Lovecraftian??) Floors

[Matthew Miller]

On 7/1/07, Robyn, Duke of Amber <seraphim at sentex.net> wrote:
>
>
>
> This was very interesting but hard to read. I got the impression you had a
> great idea and raced through the writing, trying to put words to paper as
> fast as possible. If you've got the stroke of genius, by all means do it and
> leave the grammar for later. I haven''t read any pure HPL fics in a while
> and enjoyed this one. That being said, do the grammar work you've left for
> later. I'll go over some items but most of it I'm sure you can catch
> yourself.
>
>
>                         Floors
>                      A modern Innsmouth tale
>                          N.A.Sinclair
>                          seraphim at sentex.net
>
>
>
>
>
>   Word had it that Coral was gonna be the place to be.

  The club was new and the building was old. rumors had it that with much
> finesse and greasing of the right palms zoning on the old church
> had been altered and the old Methodist Church meeting house on French Hill
> had been transformed into a different type of meeting place entirely.
>   The place had been open for only a few days and word of mouth of those
> not admitted had made soon made it the most desirable place to be and
> be seen.


I don't follow there. Wouldn't word by those who _had_ been admitted be more
interesting. There are any number of places I've never been admitted and
don't care about.

Colin knew a guy and he knew a guy and with the right words and a
> chunk of change Colin didn't want to think about he found himself
> somewhere
> near the middle of the line (it wasn't cool to be eager and at the
> front) and with his name on the guest list.
> Soon he was inside.
> Greenish spots pointed diffusely at the gray walls which were draped with
> silvery nets. Bits of dark metal, bronze fish lay trapped within
> - flotsam from a storm which glittered and threw dim reflections in
> scattered
> patterns across the large room. Two walls were set full of booths and
> the corners were filled with gray screens on which were projected with
> slow swirling patterns like pieces of twisting solid smoke.
> An empty stage like a tiered dais lay at one side and
> The place was dimly lit and rather than loud the music provided a
> throb like a heartbeat.


I really don't follow that sentence. Up to here I thought it was a very well
set scene.

Colin didn't care. He was sure as fuck not
> here for the music.
> Bingo.
> There they were. Scattered at the bar or at some of the small tables
> by the bar.
> Young. Too Young and on the outside of the pack the Trying To Be Young.
> He licked his lips.
> He couldn't help it.
> It was a fucking smorgasbord.
> He didn't consider himself a predator. After all it was a matter of
> choice wasn't it. If someone chose to be with him for the night
> (or part of it) then they were mature enough to know what they were
> getting into. - Or letting him get into.


This whole segment got very difficult to follow. The rather spastic
capitalization was a problem. I can see what you're doing and like the self
characterization of the narrator, but could perhaps polish this up a bit?


> Any sort of tears or bitching well that was just sour grapes wasn't it?
> Some bitch who wanted to catch him in something long term or
> someone who said they made a "mistake".
> Well they were here weren't they?
> No point in rushing things though was there?
> He headed for the bar


Also, very nice. You give a good feel for this guy's personnality.


He nursed his first drink for a while and carefully looked over
> his potential targets. So much available flesh so little time.
> It seemed like all the tastiest were out in there best and choosing
> would be hard.
> He danced with a girl.  She had golden hair and a gold ring in her
> left eyebrow to match. She couldn't have been more than 16 and he
> looked at her like an appetizer.
> First a fast song, then a slow. She had been on the floor longer
> than him and her skin was damp with sweat the golden glitter on her
> face had begun to run. Her T-shirt bore a butterfly and sweat dampened
> clung to her small breasts.  He pulled her close, As they danced
> he could feel her prominent nipples harden. He kissed her, nuzzled
> her throat and scented her freshness. She moaned as he rubbed
> between her thighs with a carefully placed leg.
> After the song ended he drifted away leaving her flushed and
> confused. She would be to easy.
> He headed for the bathroom. He considered relieving himself
> when he got there but he had been denying himself all week.
> tempting himself with the promised of release but that was for
> whoever he chose.
> The bathrooms were downstairs, probably the least refurbished
> parts of the club. The walls were black and the dim light
> caused them to sparkle - glitter in the paint or stucco.
> The bathroom was small. To small for a club like this and
> surprisingly empty. It was generally pretty normal except the
> lights seemed to be controlled by a motion sensor. The floor
> (which he noticed as he looked down pissing into the urinal was
> odd.


Need a close paren somewhere.


 The floors of the bathroom and the hallway (he noticed upon
> exiting) were crudely painted look like bricks.
> At places the bricks were missing and *under* the bricks was
> water with fish swimming as well.
> This was as close to something that related to the name
> of the club that he had seen but then that wasn't that strange really.
> Owners call things whatever they damn well pleased.


How was that connected to "Coral?" The name should be sunken ho-boat or
something.


Upstairs again he danced with this oriental chick she was like
> Chinese or Japanese or something. Cute, but she wore to much leather
> and black shit around her eyes, and one those ankh things all the
> Goth chicks liked.. She seemed like she would put
> up the wrong kind of fight.
> He bought her a drink and drifted.
> A few more girls, a few more dances and a few more drinks later
> and he was down in the bathroom again.
> The heat of the bar was probably making him feel the booze more
> than he should.
> He noticed something about the floor then as he swayed slightly
> pissing on the urinal cake.
>
> Painted below the oceans that lay exposed was yet another floor with
> chunks and bricks broken off and then deeper water with creatures of
> a deeper sea that lurked in the further depths.
> Creatures only half-glimpsed: some with glowing eyes, others with
> great curling arms like fronds of sea-wrack.



We start to get to the meat of the problem. You've set the hook very well
here, very subtle too, and I like.

"FUCK!" So intent on the floor below him he came close to
> pissing on his shoes.
>
>
> He sat at the bar and sipped his drink.
>
> "Hey, you want some candy?"
> The voice was a purr. An amused sound.
>
> He turned.
>
> This was what he had been looking for.
>
> She was older than the others he had been with but her looks were
> that of sensuality and amusement. No bit of leftover meat was she.
> Her hair was a storm of black, her eyes catlike jade.
> In open palm she held a white sphere.
>
> "Candy?" He asked amused.
>
> "A hint of mint." She said and the slight bit of huskiness in her
> voice made his groin twitch.
>
> "Home made." she said. "Pearls of Wisdom."
>
> "Not before swine I hope."
> He bent down and took the candy from her palm with his lips.
> His nose brushing her upturned wrist and smelling the musky
> perfume she wore.
> She laughed.
> Not a girlish giggle but a throaty thing full of desire.
> He tasted mint and crunched the peppermint, his teeth
> flashing white in the subdued light.
>
> "Dance?" She asked.
>
> And he did.
>
> They danced slowly, they danced fast and he admired the sinuous way
> she moved.
> Tight dark skirt. Sheer white silk blouse that showed but did
> not flaunt her form. A curiously carved green stone at her throat.
> Oh he would have her.



I suppose all those fragments were intentional, because they work fairly
well. They slow down the reader. Is that what you were going for?

She would moan and cry and arch her back and need him more and more.
> He would have her. He would take her and then when she begged him
> to stay he would leave.
> He laughed at her jokes and they drank expensive champagne.
> The night wore on and unusually the crowd thinned.
> Colin found himself in a booth with her, A booth in the shadows
> with Selene, kissing and fondling her as she ran her hands over him.
> He found himself pulling back from her and standing unsteadily.
> "Why don't we get the hell out of here?"
> "I'd like that." She said. "If you plan on going somewhere else?"
> "Your place." He said.
> "I was thinking the same thing." She replied.
>
> "I do have one thing I have to take care of first." He said.
> "For some reason those drinks have been running through me
> like water."
>
> "Probably because the place makes 'em with so much water." Selene laughed.
> She waved him off. "Hurry back."
>
> Going downstairs Colin felt rather than heard the splash.
> "Shit!" He shook water from his expensive shoe.
> There seemed to be a thin layer of water across the entire floor.
> Great. Some jackass had plugged the sink or a toilet had backed up.
> He really needed that.
> He opened the washroom door and entered into darkness.
> Another plus. The lights flickered to life like the motion
> switch was broken.
> Looking around he saw nothing overflowing but the same water splashed
> on the floor.
> The place had a brackish smell and he suspected a toilet overflow.
> Well as long as he got the hell out of here it wasn't any of his
> business.
> He turned to wash his hands, and slipped.
> With a splash he was up to his arms in the chill water.
> The bricks that held him felt like chunks of ice and the water stank of
> salt and fish.
> At first he was to surprised to call out then as he felt colder he began
> to
> call out.
> No one answered.
> the lights went out.



Some capitalization, please?

Now he was calling in out the dark with the same futile effect.
> After a few moments (which seemed like forever) he noticed a strange
> phosphorescence to the water. It was light but an unclean light.
> Cold.
> So cold.
> He could see he breath by the witchlight, puffs of white.
> his fingers felt as cold as the slimy stone.
> He couldn't keep his grip and several times was plunged into the
> briny chill only to scrabble himself a purchase spitting the foul
> water.
>
> The door opened and the light came on.
> There she was looking down at him with that amused look.



I like her about as much as I like him. Amusing.

"Thank God." He thrashed towards her, slipped and fell under.
> Pulling himself up he hit his head on the barnacle-covered rock cutting
> his scalp.
>
> "Quick! Pull me up."
>
> "Why would I do that?" She looked at him curiously.
>    He noticed for the first time that her brooch looked like
> an octopus or some kind of squid.
>
> "I'm slipping." He spat out water and tasted his own blood.
>
> "I can see that." She said.
>
> "I...I don't know if I can hang on."
>
> "I'm sure you won't - for long."
>
>   "Wh-Why?" He questioned.
>
> "Well, they get hungry." She said. "So hungry, So I help them."
> "I like to think of myself as a fisher of men." She smiled.


Now I'm not sure how messianic you want this to be, black messiahs can be
very interesting characters, but since you aren't developping this at all
(are you?) I going to assume that just makes her more evil in comparison. We
don't really get any view into her motivations, so I'm going to have to
write her off as evil servant of the Old Ones.


  It took no effort at all to nudge his chill fingers off the rocks.
>
>    Exhausted he sank down, down, down and those he saw  with his
> dimming eyes made him chillier still.
>
> "Just a matter of using the right bait" The woman said to herself
> as she watched Them feed.
>
>
>             Fin


Like I said, very good idea and good execution. Grammatically though, it
violently inhaled. When you've got an idea as good as this, you may want to
let it sit for a while and then go back over it looking for usage. But hey,
still a good fic.


background
>
>
> I went to this Ethiopian place a few weeks ago.
> The bathrooms (of all things) of this Restaurant really had an effect on
> motivating me
> (I'm guessing the women's washroom was like this as well.)
> - I do know that they also had the motion sensors.
>   The floors of the bathrooms and the hallway downstairs were painted look
> like bricks. At places the bricks were missing and *under* the bricks was
> water with fish swimming as well. Painted below that was another floor
> with
> chunks broken off and deeper water with deeper sea creatures.



Actually, I'd really like to see that floor. It intrigues me too.

This idea came to me the night I was there...although writing an asshole is
> more difficult than I thought. It may need some filling out. I dunno.
>
> I haven't written a lot lately but want to get back into the swing.
>
> Neil



Mia
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