[FFML] Goddess Fayu 01: Nabiki's Unlucky Day? (Draft)

[David McMillan]

Timothy Groves wrote:

> 
> Goddess Fayu
> 
> Written By Tail Kinker
> 
> 
> Chapter One of Six:  Nabiki's Unlucky Day?
> 
> 
> 
> Nabiki was not happy.
> 
> Most of her underlings were scurrying about, trying to keep from 
> attracting any wrathful attention.  Sadoko had done the worst at Jan Ken 
> Pow, and was, rather unwillingly, trying to draw said attention.

	<snicker>

> Nabiki rolled her eyes.  "You think I want to get pasted?  I smiled, 
> said thank you, and then tried to sneak into the kitchen to replace 
> it."  She shuddered.  "Kasumi gave me such trouble for that..."
> 
> "Not Kasumi!"
> 
> "'Your sister worked very hard on that!'  And other such lies.  What 
> could I do?"

	Ah, Kasumi: mistress of the guilt trip.  And the worst part is, she's 
not even *trying*.

> "But we could--"
> 
> "No, we can't.  You know what happens to a bookmaker who welches?"  
> Nabiki scowled.  "No-one ever bets with them again."

	Nabs may be a shark, but she does honor her contracts.

> "We don't have enough in the treasury."
> 
> "We can make it up."
> 
> "Okay."  Sadoko took the clipboard back.  "I'll see what I can do to 
> drum up sales of Ranma pics--"
> 
> "No."
> 
> Sadoko blinked.
> 
> "No, it was my call to set the odds this way."  Nabiki heaved a sigh, 
> and dropped a wad of yen on the table.  "I was saving this for a rainy 
> day, but it looks like that day is today."

	Wow, she *is* being nice today.

> "Boss..."
> 
> "Don't tell anyone."  Nabiki scowled at the yen.  "I got a reputation to 
> keep."

	Heh.

> "Don't worry, I won't."  Sadoko grinned.  "Who'd believe it, anyway?"

	Ow.  I wonder if that stung, just a bit?

> "I just didn't want to see you waste effort on food I wasn't gonna eat."
> 
> "I'll save a little something, in case you're hungry after the concert."
> 
> "Thanks, Kasumi.  You're the best."

	<infatuated sigh>  Yes.  Yes, she is.

> "Thank you, little sister."
> 
> Nabiki flipped the phone shut, and jammed it into her pocket.  Her pace 
> quickened.  It was her best of luck - and best of connections - that had 
> secured this ticket.  Regal was breaking up after this concert, and 
> since they'd started in Nerima, they'd planned their final tour so that 
> their last stop was right here, in their home town.
> 
> Not only that, but she'd saved back the three grand she'd need to buy 
> the live concert album.  She'd been planning to also buy a jacket.  
> 
> "But hey.  What can you do?"
> 
> She paused, just outside the auditorium, and turned.
> 
> The speaker was a younger girl, perhaps five or six years younger than 
> Nabiki herself.  Despite her youth, the girl was nearly as tall as 
> Nabiki herself, though much skinnier.  Her long black hair stretched 
> down to her hips, and was caught up in a bow, and the outfit she was 
> wearing was a bit outlandish.

	Okay, *Skuld* said that?  Unless she was in on the whole scam, that 
seems... odd.

> "Hey, kid."
> 
> The girl turned in anger, and Nabiki blinked.  "Hey, you're not a kid, 
> after all."

	<snicker>  Perfect save, though she doesn't know it.

> The girl opened her mouth to add to her enthusiasm, but was cut off by a 
> sudden growl.  She looked down, embarassed.

	SP:  embarrassed.

> Nabiki leaned in a bit.  "You're starving, aren't you?"
> 
> "Yeah."  The girl's expression turned cross again.  "My sister brought 
> me here, but then dumped me and went off to the bar.  And I haven't had 
> anything to eat since this morning."

	Oh, Urd...

> Nabiki blinked.  "Not much of a sister."
> 
> "Tell me," the girl growled.
> 
> Nabiki considered.  She had that three thousand...but she wanted that 
> CD.  She looked again at the girl, and sighed.  
> 
> "It looks to me like this ain't the first time you've gone hungry."  She 

	"ain't" just seems a bit odd, coming from Nabs.

> turned, and glanced down the street.  "There's a place over there...why 
> don't we go get something to eat?"

	Good grief, she's channeling her inner Kasumi.

> "But my sister said I..."  The girl looked up at Nabiki.  "She said that 
> Tokyo's a dangerous place, and I shouldn't go off with people I don't know."
> 
> "And where is she now?"  Nabiki was starting to get a little angry.  
> "Off at some bar!  She left you all alone, with nothing to eat, and no 
> money.  If my older sister were here, you'd already be fed, dressed in 
> something warm, bathed, and tucked into the spare bedroom."

	"Dressed in something warm" seems out of place -- for one thing, 
there's been no mention of the weather.  Maybe "...already had a warm 
meal, a hot bath, and been tucked into..."?

  > "You have an older sister like that too, eh?"  The girl dimpled.  "I'm
> the youngest of three."
> 
> "I'm stuck in the middle."  Nabiki chuckled, her bad humour fading.  
> "Let's go get something, shall we?"  She let her voice become taunting.  
> "They serve ice cream..."

	Gee, she's pushing ALL the right buttons today.  Almost suspiciously so.

> The girl's eyes lit up.

	And struck Nabiki blind, they lit up so bright.

> "That's all right."  Nabiki waved it off.  "Kasumi's always tellin' me I 
> should be nicer to people."

	I dunno, Nabs' diction is often casual, but I've never felt that she 
talked like (for example) Ranma.  "Tellin'" just doesn't seem like her, 
to me.

> "You're not normally this nice?"

	Half the shop:  "Oh, we could tell you STORIES--"
	Nabiki GLARES.
	"--But wewon'tbecausewecan'taffordtheinterest, goodbye!"

> "No, but..."  She sighed.  "Last month, I did something really nasty to 
> my younger sister.  She's only maybe a year or two older than you."
> 
> "What did you do?"
> 
> "She was going to marry her fiancee, and I invited people that I knew 
> would break it up."
> 
> The girl considered this.  "I think I know what you mean.  You like your 
> brother-in-law, don't you?"

	Oops, wrong motivation.

> "Not that way."  Nabiki chuckled.  "He's really good-looking, and he's a 
> sweet guy, always trying to help people out.  But he's a little 
> too...unpolished...for my tastes."

	"Although I wouldn't mind polishing his-- oops, sorry, that exceeds 
this fic's rating.  Besides, even I won't say stuff like that in front 
of a... very young lady."
	"HEY!  I'm not a k-- er, lady!  And besides, how am I ever gonna learn 
that stuff if nobody *talks* to me about it?"

> "Yeah.  My sister's boyfriend..."  She looked down.  "I never thought 
> I'd call him that.  But he is."  She picked up the spoon again, and 
> started pushing the ice cream around the plate.  "I wasn't very nice to 
> him, kept trying to come between him and my sister."  She dropped the 
> spoon again.  "I shoulda known I was going to fail."
> 
> "Don't worry, kid.  You'll grow to like him."
> 
> "I already do, kinda."  She looked up, and grinned.  "Don't call me kid."

	Heh.

> "All right, all right!"  Nabiki held up her hands in self-defense, then 
> laughed.  "When do you think your sister will be back?"

	Maybe "mock self-defense"?

> "Who knows?  Probably not till last call."
> 
> Nabiki's hand was already in her pocket.  She paused, and considered.  
> "You know what?  I already have all of Regal's CDs.  Probably, they 
> aren't gonna do anything I haven't heard before."  She pulled out the 
> ticket, slid it across the table.  "No need for you to be bored before 
> your sister gets back."

	<boggle>  She's *really* being generous today.
	Nabiki:  "Hey, I'm channeling my Inner Kasumi.  And y'know what?  It 
feels pretty good."

> The girl looked down at the ticket, her eyes gleaming.  "Are you sure?"
> 
> "Yeah.  Knock yourself out."
> 
> "Oh, Nabiki, thank you!"  The girl jumped around the table, and hugged 
> Nabiki tightly.  "This means a lot to me!"
> 
> "Sure.  Just don't tell anyone."  Nabiki sighed.  "I got a reputation to 
> keep."

	Nabiki being blackmailed with the secret that she's really a big 
softie:  oh, the irony.

> "Okay."  The girl grabbed the ticket, then squawked.  "It starts in five 
> minutes!"
> 
> "Get going, then."
> 
> The girl was gone in a flash, and Nabiki chuckled.
> 
> She was almost done her parfait before she realized that she'd never 
> given her name.

	"done with"

> 
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> 
> "What was I on?"

	Whatever it was, the world needs more of it.  Slip some to Jack 
Valenti, for one thing.

> Nabiki shook her head, and stepped out of her outdoor shoes.  "I'm back."
> 
> "Welcome home."  Kasumi wandered out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on 
> a towel.  "Did you not go to the concert?"
> 
> "No.  I gave the ticket away."
> 
> "Oh..."
> 
> Nabiki waved it off.  "Don't worry, it was for a good cause.  I'll tell 
> you the story tomorrow."

	"Once I figure out a way to spin it so I don't sound like I'm turning 
into you."

> "All right."  Kasumi gestured towards the kitchen.  "I saved you some 
> pork buns."
> 
> "Thanks, Kasumi.  But I'm really tired.  I'll have 'em for breakfast, 
> all right?"
> 
> "All right.  Oh."  Kasumi raised a hand to her mouth.  "I almost 
> forgot!  I moved the television from my room into yours, while I was 
> rearranging furniture.  It's still on your desk.  Is that all right?"

	Kasumi keeps a TV in her room?  <scratches head> Well, why not?

> "Sure.  Mind if I use it?"
> 
> "No, go ahead."
> 
> 
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> 
> 
> Nabiki flipped on the television, then collapsed across the bed.  
> 
> "I can't believe I gave away that ticket.  And the money for the CD.  
> And the money for the jacket."  She paused.  "Okay, the money for the 
> jacket, I didn't really have a choice."
> 
> She sighed, and rolled over to face the television.
> 
> 'And that wraps up weather.  Now for the financial department.  Sayoko?'
> 
> Nabiki sat up.  "Financial?  At nine?"

	I think we're about to see a Special Guest Financial Commentator.

> The woman on the screen was not the usual financial anchor, but a tall, 
> bronzed woman with long, flowing white hair.  She looked a bit familiar, 
> though Nabiki couldn't remember ever seeing her before.
> 
> 'Thank you, Ichigyo.  A mild drop in gold futures today, though the 

	Ichigyo?  Are you sure that wasn't supposed to be Ichigo?

> fluctuation seems to originate in the rise in value of the yen against 
> the American dollar.  This despite the fact that some Japanese girls are 
> being much more free with their money.'

	<snicker>  You can just feel the jaws of the trap closing.

> Nabiki blinked.
> 
> 'I mean, random acts of kindness like giving away concert tickets and 
> buying little girls ice cream...'
> 
> Nabiki backed away from the television.
> 
> It didn't help.
> 
> The woman seemed to step *through* the screen, flowing out like a ghost, 
> until she stepped lightly down on the floor of Nabiki's bedroom.

	Wait!  I swear I didn't watch that videotape!  I didn't get the "seven 
days" call!  It was someone else!  Really!
	Hmmm... Urd versus the girl from "Ringu".  That has some interesting 
comedic smackdown possibilities.

> "I'm talking to you, Tendo Nabiki."
> 
> Nabiki wanted to scream.  She wished she could remember how.

	<blink>  Oh, that was perfect.  I am SO stealing that line.

> The woman stepped up closer to her.  "My little sister was very happy 
> with you, Nabiki.  She also told me that you've got a major Karma 
> imbalance."  She smiled at the frozen teenager.  "You've done some good, 
> and you've done some bad...all of us have.  But today, you've done so 
> much more good than you ever have before..."

	End-of sentence ellipsis is supposed to have four dots, IIRC.

  > She stepped back, and crossed her arms.  "This area has been getting--"
> 
> "Your sister?"  Good, her voice had returned.  "The little girl with the 
> black hair?"
> 
> "Oh, yes."
> 
> Nabiki scowled, and launched a right cross.  It connected squarely with 
> the woman's chin.

	"Ow!  The Hel was THAT for?"
	"Oh, I was just channeling my Inner Ranma.  And you know, that felt 
pretty good too.  Except for my knuckles, owie..."

> The woman yelped, and grabbed her chin with her hand.  She turned back, 
> and scowled down at Nabiki...then sighed.
> 
> "Okay, I guess from your point of view, I had this coming."  She pushed 
> at her jaw gingerly.  "Come to think of it, my sisters wouldn't be very 
> happy with me, either.  So I'll let it slide."  She grinned down at 
> Nabiki.  "The only chance you'll ever get to punch a Goddess."

	A moment to be treasured, surely.  :D

> "Goddess?"
> 
> "Yep."  The woman fished down her top, and produced a card.  "Urd.  

	<C&Cer has passed out due to Extreme Nosebleed.  C&C will resume one 
blood pressure is restored>

> Goddess Second Class, Limited License.  On special assignment from 
> Yggdrasil, to find the source of the karmic imbalance in Nerima."  She 
> looked Nabiki up and down.  "I'd say we've found a good portion of it."

	And everyone keeps saying it's Ranma's fault.

> "...Me?"
> 
> "Yes, you."  Urd smiled.  "There are others, of course.  Your sisters.  
> That hunk that all three of you have lusted after.  Even that spinny 
> purple-haired bitch.  But you've had the largest net adjustment of Karma 
> in the last twenty-four hours.  So we're giving it to you."

	Now that's not a nice way to talk about Shampoo.  She's not *that* bad.
	"All three of you have lusted after"?  Oh ho!  And Urd would know, 
wouldn't she?

> "...Giving what?"
> 
> "Whatever you want, of course."  Urd's smile widened.  "We had to plan 
> this carefully, you know."
> 
> "Planned."

	I can just hear her voice slowly getting flatter and flatter as this 
conversation goes on.

> "Yes.  I left Skuld where I did, because it was the best place to do 
> so.  I triggered that witch of a schoolteacher's rage, to see who would 
> act to protect him.  

	"him" who?  Oh, *we* now it's Kuno, but there's no noun attached to 
that pronoun in that sentence.  Maybe "...who would act to protect her 
victim"?

>And do you really think that that sweet boy who 
> attacked Ranma would do so of his own volition?"

	Sweet boy?  Huh?  Who in canon fits that description?  Okay, maybe 
Shinnosuke, but....

> "Ryouga?  Constantly."

	<Boggle>
	<choke>
	<gasp!>
	Okay, first:  that was FUNNY.
	Second:  "Sweet boy"?  RYOGA?  Okay, I like Ryoga well enough, but... 
c'mon, Urd, are you channeling your Inner Akari here or what?

> "But near a water fountain?"

	Oh.  Point.

> Nabiki paused, and eyed the Goddess.  "So you've been pulling strings 
> all day."
> 
> "Yep."
> 
> "Including mine."
> 
> "Right again."

	POW!
	"Okay, that *wasn't* the only time."

> Nabiki's eyes narrowed.  "That takes considerable power.  And you're 
> just a second-rate Goddess?"

	<SNERK!>  Oh, ZING!

> Urd frowned.  "That's Second Class!"
> 
> "Oh, my apologies, great Urd."  Nabiki's voice dripped sarcasm.  "Second 
> Class.  Limited License.  You can't handle a little wish-granting 
> without your little sister tagging along.  You can't even look after her 
> while you're off partying!  I wish I was her sister!  I could show you 
> how--"

	yipe.
	You know, in retrospect, I suppose I really should have seen this coming.
	I like this.  It *is* OOC for Nabs, but you've built up to it well 
enough that I *want* to roll with it, to see where this story goes.  And 
the buildup was strong enough to be believable, while still being 
low-key -- no angsting over what a terrible person she's been, etc. 
Just... Nabiki having a day where she's tired of being who she is.  And 
who doesn't have days like that?

> Nabiki broke off in horror.  "Did I just say..."

	Yeah.  Sorry.

> "Yes.  I'm afraid you did."  Urd's voice was sad.

	<blink>  Wait, why sad?

> "Oh, no!  That's not my--"
> 
> Urd was glowing.  Her hair was flowing outward, defying gravity, and a 
> triangular tattoo glowed on her forehead.
> 
> Nabiki backed away, raising her hands.  "Please, forgive me!  I didn't 
> mean to say--"
> 
> "Yes.  You did."  Through the glow, Urd's saddened face glistened with 
> tears.  "And I am very sorry you did, Tendo Nabiki."

	Oh.  Oh, boy.  THAT does NOT sound good.

> There was a blast of searing white light.

	"Not *quite* as bright as Skuld's eyes when I mentioned ice cream," was 
Nabiki's last, muddled thought before she decided to take a quick nap.

> 
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> 
> 
> Nabiki groaned, and sat up.  She winced;  the action caused her earring 
> to jingle loudly in her still-bruised ears.
> 
> "Earrings?"

	Plural here, singular in the previous sentence.

> Come to think of it, she'd never even had her ears pierced.  She raised 
> a hand, and was relieved to feel the clips.

	It's always nice to discover that people *haven't* been punching holes 
in your anatomy while you were unconscious.

> She struggled to her feet, and turned towards the mirror...and gasped.
> 
> Her jeans and T-shirt were gone, replaced by long, brown flowing robes.  
> Her hair was unchanged, but on her forehead was a tattoo, two half 
> circles, one above the other.  She rubbed at it, but it just felt like skin.
> 
> "No way."  She stepped back from the mirror, and groaned.  "What the 
> heck have I done now?"

	Stepped in it up to your neck, I'm afraid.

> The mirror shimmered.
> 
> "Ack!"  Nabiki stumbled backwards, tripping and falling on her backside, 
> as a woman floated out of her mirror.
> 
> The newcomer - she looked a bit like Kasumi, if Kasumi had been born 
> white - was dressed in a manner similar to herself, though in blue and 

	"born white"???  Um, I think you meant "born caucasian," or something 
like that.  "born white" just... really doesn't seem to work.  It 
especially doesn't seem like an idiom a Japanese person would use.

> white.  She floated an inch off the floor, and had a tattoo on her 
> forehead, a slender oval.
> 
> "Don't tell me."  Nabiki sighed.  "Another Goddess."

	Sug:  "...me,"

> "Yes."  The woman floated a little closer, and held out her hand.  
> "Goddess, First Class, Unlimited License.  Velthandi."
> 
> Nabiki looked puzzled.  "Berudandi?"
> 
> The woman smiled.  "Yes, my Keiichi-sama says it the same way."  She 
> touched down, and took Nabiki's hand.  "It may be easier for you to call 
> me Belldandy.  I'm very pleased to meet you."

	Wow, a fic that mentions the Norn Pronunciation Error, and gets it 
right out of the way.  Cool.

> "Likewise."  She glanced around.  "Hey, where's Urd?"
> 
> "When she realized what happened, she came back to our Temple to get me."
> 
> "Temple.  Makes sense."  Nabiki shrugged.  "Look, I didn't really mean 
> for this to--"
> 
> "Yes.  You did."

	Which part of it, though?  I wonder.

> "Sure I did.  Wish myself a Goddess.  Why not?"  Nabiki sighed.  "I'm 
> sure you guys have rules or something."
> 
> "We do."
> 
> "So didn't I just break a bunch of them?"

	Nabiki the rules-lawyer.  Heh.

> "That was as a mortal.  Now, you're immortal."
> 
> Nabiki's eyes lit up.  "So that's true, is it?"
> 
> "Yes," said Belldandy.  "But this three-dimensional form you wear...It 
> is not immortal.  Eventually, you will shed it, to be born again."
> 
> "Reincarnation?"
> 
> "Not in the sense you mean, but yes."  Belldandy turned, and pulled 
> Nabiki gently towards the mirror.  "It's time to go."
> 
> "I--but my sisters--"
> 
> Belldandy smiled sadly at her.  "We are your sisters now."  She turned 

	This is a bit abrupt, for Bell.  Just... dismissing Nabiki's "former" 
family connections like that.  Which suggests that there may be a reason 
for her to be moving so quickly....

> back, and touched the mirror.  It seemed to melt before her, creating a 
> tunnel.  "This is your path.  It will take you home."
> 
> "But *this* is my home!"
> 
> Belldandy turned back to her.  "If you stay here, all the chaos that you 
> regret bringing on your family will be magnified a hundred-fold.  For 
> their good as well as yours, you must come."

	Ah, maybe this is the reason.  Especially if they're on a tight schedule.


> Nabiki bowed her head.  "I..."
> 
> "You must learn our ways.  You must learn to control your powers, and to 
> touch the hearts of others."
> 
> Nabiki sniffed.  "I'm gonna miss them..."
> 
> "They will always be here."  Belldandy placed her hand over Nabiki's 
> heart.  "And you will be able to come back.  I promise."

	This is more like the Bell we all know and adore.

> "Okay."  Nabiki heaved a sigh.  "As long as they don't worry about me..."

	Nabiki's accepting this a bit too easily, here.  But maybe she's still 
in shock.  Or her new connection to Yggdrasil is kicking in.  Or maybe 
it's just the Belldandy Effect.

> "I'll have Urd come back and leave a note."

	Uh... are you sure that's a wise choice, Bell-chan?

> Nabiki laughed, then turned to the mirror.  "Time to say goodbye to the 
> old Nabiki."
> 
> "And hello," added Belldandy, "to the Goddess Fayu."

	Freya?

> 
> 
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> 
> 
> This idea has been preying (praying?) on my mind for the last ten 
> years.  C&C welcome.

	Praying, or preying?  :)

	I like it.  Wanna see where it goes.