[FFML] [R.5/AMS]Goddess Fayu 02 - A Family History

[Richard D LAWSON]

Well, that was fast.  =)

>The modem chirped, and rapidly dialled a long sequence.

dialed

>"So what's this Fayu's story?"
>
>"Sorry, Keiichi.  I'd love to tell you, but she and her sisters need to
>hear it first."

Heh.

>"It was in bad repair, when we first came, but Keiichi and I have
>put it right."

A sort of minor follow-up nit:  Belldandy *never* calls him "Keiichi".  It's 
always "Keiichi-san", even to her sisters.

>"Bell!"

And, er, Keiichi never calls Belldandy anything other than Belldandy.  Only 
people like Hild and Peorth call her "Bell-chan".

Again, very minor nits that can be cheerfully ignored.

>"Sure.  I'm just not ready to give up my mortality one hundred
>percent."  She turned back to the young man.  "Keiichi, I would be
>pleased if you would call me Nabiki."

As an aside, Nabiki seems to be handling this transition awfully well.  I 
think it would be a little better if you could show her being a lot more 
uncertain and flustered during these introductions.

>"It seems that our family finally has a patron Goddess of Wealth."

Hehehe.  Perfect!

>Keiichi looked embarassed.

embarrassed

>And it wasn't like you were crawling into my futon
>wearing next to nothing."
>
>Nabiki smirked.  "How many of them have tried that?"
>
>"Three."

Hehehe.  True.

Let's see... Urd, of course.  Peorth.  Belldandy herself, when she was under 
the potion's influence.  One of the mice-ninjas, too, although they don't 
count as goddesses.  Hild?  Can't remember if she's ever done it.

>"Thanks, Skuld.  Me too."  She chuckled.  "But we'd better sit up.  I'm
>afraid that this robe doesn't afford much modesty from this angle, and
>poor Keiichi looks like he's gonna have a stroke."

All right, now I *have* to see a drawing of this costume.  =)

Although you'd think Keiichi would be used to it, given that Peorth's 
regalia would make a bikini model blush.

>Keiichi piped up.  "I'd listen to them.  If it's a matter of contract,
>the Ultimate Force will keep you from seeing her.  You do not want to
>oppose the Ultimate Force."  He gestured towards Belldandy.  "Bell's the
>most powerful Goddess I've ever met, and even she can't oppose the
>Ultimate Force."

Minor nit:  the Ultimate Force stopped working very early in the manga.  At 
least, it stopped working with regard to enforcing Belldandy's contract; I 
suppose you could say it would still be in force for any new contract that's 
made.

>"So what does a Goddess do on a daily basis?"

The story's beginning to drag a little bit.  It's all expository, back-story 
followed by info-dump on how to use powers.  Necessary, I know, but see if 
you can tighten it up a bit.  Or perhaps break it up a bit, insert some 
random scene between that last bit and this bit.

Again, just my opinion.  It's also fine to just get the expository stuff 
over with so we can move on with the rest of the story.

>Nabiki laughed.  "Don't mess with the Ice Queen, lady."

Heh.  Still the same old Nabiki in there.  I like it.

Well, glad to see that this second part came out so quickly.  More more!

-Richard