[FFML] [C&C][Ranma][Crossover] Tamaranian 1/2: Illegal Alien Indeed

[Farzad Mansouri]

Thank you very much to your reply.  And to amend I
thought C&C was creative criticism.  But then I
thought about it for a second and remembered its
Comments and Criticism.  This should be one items
listed on something like "You know you've been gone
from the Fanfic community too long when...".

Yes I have a slight problem with comma's.  I try and I
try to use them properly but with me it's either too
much or too little. *Sigh...*

I like the nitpick because it made me think about that
sentence.  Your right Ranma has no idea whats happened
to him he just noticed that his skin is now Cheetos
colored.

All in all this will be very helpful in reworking this
fic.  I got just one question though, the intro how do
I make it less 'off'?  Maybe if I shorten it?

--- Jared Waddell <rick_spiff at yahoo.com> wrote:

> *rolls up sleeves* Time to catch up!
> 
> Farzad Mansouri <farzad234 at yahoo.com> wrote:    Well
> I had no idea the FFML was down but just to be
> number 2 on the posts here's a little something I
> have
> been working on Since the beginning of 2007. Enjoy
> and creative criticism is appreciated.
> 
>   It has to be CREATIVE?! Sigh...
>   
> Tamaranian 1/2
> By Farzad Mansouri
> 
> Ch.1: Illegal Alien Indeed
> 
>   <snip>
>    
>   Okay, the intro was actually pretty interesting,
> however, the voice was generally just a little...
> 'off.' It seemed a little too much like an e-mail
> discussing a story rather than a skilled narrator
> catching the audience's attention. Pretty close to
> the mark, just needs to be tweaked slightly.
>   
> and courteous to anyone other then Saotome Genma,
> who
> Ranma still thought of as a stupid moron outside of
> the Art.
>    
>   Well, at least Ranma's opinion of his father is
> canon...
> 
> Genma panda slowly approached the pool. Suddenly a
> form burst from the bubbling waters and hovered
> several meters above the spring. “You kalnorf! I am
> going to put on the hurt so much you won’t be able
> to
> genuflect much less sit down!”
> 
>   Comma after 'genuflect'
>   
> The form was humanoid having two arms, two legs, a
> torso, and a head. However, beyond that it was easy
> to see the being as anything but human in origin.
> His
> skin was orange not pink, tan, nor dark brown but
> actually a citrus orange color. His eyes and hair
> were radically different too. Where there was once a
> black hair blue eyed youth was now a young man with
> fiery red hair and blazing green eyes that almost
> certainly hinted to some righteous butt whooping
> about
> to be unleashed as they bore into the panda. 
> 
>   Comma after the first 'orange.' Doesn't read right
> without it.
>   Use 'or' instead of 'nor.' Nor would be a
> double-negative and reads a bit weird too.
>   Cut 'almost certainly' from that last sentence.
> Again, it doesn't read right with those two words in
> there.
>   
> Sufficed to say Genma panda nearly decided to empty
> his bladder at that look. 
>    
>   I'm going to stop you right there. This sounds
> like Genma just... I won't even say it. The wording
> is just... off here. I'll skip the lengthy
> explanation. Read this version out loud and see how
> different it sounds than what you have now:
> 'Sufficed to say, Genma almost emptied his bladder
> upon seeing that look.'
>   I think the technical term for this gaffe is
> subject confusion, where it sounds like Genma is
> peeing on Ranma rather than pissing himself in fear
> (which is what I'm certain you are going for here).
>    
>   Quickly looking left and
> right he pointed behind the hovering boy and tried
> to
> mouth a fake warning that came out as a series of
> growls. Ranma didn’t bother looking behind him and
> cocked his right hand back as if to punch the panda
> 
>   Comma!
>    
>   were he not hovering several feet out of range.
> The
> hand began glowing green 
>    
>   Comma!
>    
>   causing the panda’s eyes to
> bulge. Ranma then quickly thrust the hand forward
> and
> a bright green ball of energy slammed into Genma
> panda
> 
>   Comma!
>    
>   knocking him several feet back as his bulk dragged
> 
>    
>   Try "carved" or "formed"
>    
>   a
> ditch across 
>    
>   And "in" or "through" instead of "across"
>    
>   the loose soil.
> 
> The last thing Genma panda thought before he
> blacked out was, “When the heck did the boy learn to
> throw ki blasts?”
> 
> The sight of his father being hit by the ball and
> his knock back 
>    
>   Try "flying back several feet" or "being knocked
> back several feet" instead of "knock back"
>    
>   stunned Ranma long enough for him to
> realize his situation. 
>    
>   Nitpick: I don't Ranma has 'realized his
> situation' just yet, be has noticed something. It
> could stay or be re-worked. Honestly, it's not a big
> problem, I'm just nitpicking.
>    
>   “What the heck?” The boy
> exclaimed 
>    
>   Comma!
>    
>   as he brought his right hand closer to his
> face to examine it. “Why am I orange?” he asked
>    
>   Comma!
>   
> before looking down to see himself hovering in the
> air
> between two springs. “And how the heck am I flying?”
> 
> Ranma saw motion to his left. Looking in that
> direction, he saw that the guide was waving and
> calling for him to come closer. Slowly but surely,
> as
> if he had been flying under his own power his entire
> life, Ranma moved toward the guide and landed
> gracefully before him.
>    
>   Ah! Now, there's brilliant use of commas here! 
> 
> 
> A man earns the title 'Great' by having power and
> NOT abusing it.
> 
> What? that's it? Where's the rest?! I want to see
> the rest!
>    
>   Okay, wrap up: Slight fear of commas, some
> inventive pulling of words from hats which worked
> okay but not great. Generally solid writing. Too the
> point, which is good for a story that treads
> well-worn territory. Thumbs up, take my comments
> with a grain of salt, and keep writing!
>    
>   Later,
>   Rick "needs to catch up" Spiff
> 
>        
> ---------------------------------
> Get the free Yahoo! toolbar and rest assured with
> the added security of spyware protection. 
> -------------- next part --------------
> An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
> URL:
>
http://www.chez-vrolet.net/pipermail/ffml/attachments/20070702/05ef257d/attachment.htm
> 
> 
> --- 
>          .-------Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing
> List--------.
>          |   Administrators -
> ffml-admins at chez-vrolet.net   |
>          |   Unsubscribing -
> ffml-request at chez-vrolet.net   |
>          |         Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject 
>        |
>          `------------ FAQ URL coming soon....
> -------------'
> 


----------

A man earns the title 'Great' by having power and NOT abusing it.
-Old Persian philosophy


 
____________________________________________________________________________________
It's here! Your new message!  
Get new email alerts with the free Yahoo! Toolbar.
http://tools.search.yahoo.com/toolbar/features/mail/