[FFML] [Ranma][Ace Ventura] Ace Ventura: Suddenly Seeking Panda: Chapter 3, A Job Well Done

[Rebecca Heineman]

Ace Ventura: Suddenly Seeking Panda: Chapter 3, A Job Well Done
by
Rebecca Ann Heineman

Takes place sometime late in the Ranma 1/2 timeline for no apparent reason,
again.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective characters created by Jack Bernstein, Jim Carrey
and Tom Shadyac. Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or have me put up
with another ICQ Loser.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ouch!" was all the great pet detective could say as he limped back toward
the door of his hotel room. He paused for a moment, staring at the thin slot
that was just above the door knob. He kept gawking at the door as he
assessed his situation. Both of his arms were covered in bandages, as was
his right leg and most of his head. Somewhere in his shirt pocket was his
credit card shaped room key, and without it, he was trapped in the hall. He
wiggled his fingers out of his makeshift cast in an attempt to have them
protrude enough insert his fingertips into the pocket to grab the key. He
jumped up and down, trying to jolt the card up a tiny bit so he could snatch
it. A female hotel guest slowly walked by, as the detective stopped his
impression of a Mexican Jumping Bean and he leaned against the doorway and
smiled back at her. The woman increased her stride to get away from this
strange man, quickly. Ace waved at the woman. "Thanks for all your help."

He stuck his tongue out to see if he could lick the card out of his shirt
pocket. That didn't work, so he bowed forward with great speed hoping that
centrifugal force would be enough to fling the card out. Again, his efforts
were met with dismal failure.

Somewhere in another part of the hotel, much to Ace's dismay, lay his army
of minions. Since the hotel had a no-pet policy unless the guest was willing
to pay a substantial deposit, they had to keep out of sight.

Alone, hungry and in desperate need of scratching an itch on his butt that
was just beyond his reach, the detective did what anyone would do in his
situation. He screamed at the top of his lungs. "ROOM SERVICE!"

Down the hall, a voice replied, "Shut up!"

He defiantly shouted back at the insolent hotel employee, or at least he
thought the man was an employee. These people all looked the same to him.
"That's no way to treat a paying guest!" Angrily, he slammed his back
against the wall with enough force to knock a nearby painting off of its
hook. He squirmed as he tried to scratch the itch that was bothering him,
but only succeeded in looking like a Macarena dancer on high grade crack.

Ace sighed as he tried to figure out how he was going to get into his hotel
room. "Man, I can't get a break. Why does this always happen to me?" He
leaned back onto his door, only for it to easily open. He lost his balance
and tumbled backwards into his room.

He blinked his eyes and just when he was about to sit up, a chunk of monkey
poo bounced off the side of his head. He turned his head to face an angry
simian. "Hey, cut it out!"

A set of paper dolls, made out of one of his Hawaiian shirts were deposited
on his face.

"That had better not be my favorite shirt!" He sat up, visibly angry. "If
you keep it up, I'll feed you to that gorillagirl."

The monkey's eyes bugged out and he instantly jumped out the window.

"Don't think I won't!" He got up and slammed the door, only for it to bounce
off the door frame and pop out. It landed on top of the detective with a
loud thud. A Jedi Squirrel turned off his lightsaber and scurried away from
the melted hinges.

"Medic?"

In seconds, the Ninja Raccoons swarmed all over the pet detective and worked
their art in healing while a dozen squirrels with hammers, nails and a mean
looking nail gun went to work on repairing the door. The sounds of
construction filled the room as the Raccoons performed their magic. In a
flash, all the animals stood back to marvel at their handiwork. The door was
pristine. The walls were immaculate. Ace Ventura was clean, bandage free and
wearing a different loud Hawaiian Shirt and brown cotton pants.

Ace was not pleased. "Ahem." He coughed.

A Ninja Raccoon grappled down a rope tied to the ceiling and stopped just
above Ace. A pair of sunglasses was gingerly placed atop the detective's
head.

Ace was pleased. "That's better. Now, any news?"

Another Ninja Raccoon appeared, made chittering sounds and waved a photo in
the air. He snatched the photo and his eyes bugged out. "It's payday boys!"
Something was familiar about the area around the panda in the picture and
the detective scratched his head while feeling a sense of deja vu. He
chalked up the feeling to not eating enough cheese and asked the raccoon,
"can you lead me to him?"

A nod of approval was returned.

"Then, we'll sally forth and reclaim our bounty! Victory is mine!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A door slam announce the arrival of the youngest Tendo sister. "Of all the
nerve!" Akane stormed in. Her school uniform was soiled and her pet pig was
resting on her arm.

Kasumi peeked out of the kitchen and shook her head in disapproval. "What
happened? I hope you weren't fighting."

"He happened!" Akane slammed her school bag onto the dining room table.
"That idiot! I thought I saw the last of him!"

Kasumi took a step back to give her sister some room. "Who are you referring
to? Prince Kirin?"

"No, not him. It's that moron Azusa hired to steal P-Chan. He stole him
again and threw me into a pit." Akane grinned. "But I took care of him."

Ranko came out of the kitchen, anticipation in her eyes. "Him? The guy with
the elephant?"

Kasumi blinked. "Are you referring to Lychee, or... Uh... What was his name
again?"

Nabiki answered dryly. "Ace Ventura, he's been in the news lately." She
looked directly at Mr. Panda. "But I thought he was after a giant panda."

"A-Ace? That American? The one who..." Ranko gritted her teeth and the
spatula she was holding shattered from her iron grip. "When I find that guy
I'll show him a thing or two!" Leaving a dust cloud behind vaguely in the
shape of the red-haired girl, Ranko dashed upstairs.

Nodoka hurriedly came out of the kitchen, calling out after her favorite
Tendo. "Ranko! You still haven't finished cooking the dumplings!" She turned
to Akane with a smile, "would you like to finish the dumplings. It's easy."

Akane's mood brightened instantly, and Nabiki's mood darkened with identical
speed. "Can I?" Akane dropped P-Chan and rushed into the kitchen, and a
moment later, the sound of utensils clattering on the floor was heard.

Nodoka returned to the kitchen. "No, Akane, you don't use tongs to turn them
over."

Nabiki sighed. "There goes the dumplings."

Kasumi smiled, "I'll make some more."

"Thanks Sis, oh, I almost forgot. I have a visitor coming later tonight. So
if he stops by, have him wait out front until I see him."

Kasumi raised an eyebrow. "I'll be happy to do that." Another crash came
from the kitchen. "Please excuse me, I'm needed."

Nodoka's voice once again came from the kitchen, "Akane, that's salt."

Soun's brow was visibly covered in sweat. "So, Saotome, do you have money
for take out tonight?"

Mr. Panda held up a sign, "the Master took everything."

Mr. Tendo sighed. "I knew it was too good to last. At least the taxes and
the repair bills were paid."

The panda nodded in agreement.

Soun stared out into the backyard. "I wonder where the Master is now?"

"Not far enough for my tastes." Read the panda's sign.

The elder Tendo saw something out of the corner of his eye. There, on the
back wall, something was crawling. He stood to take a good look but whatever
it was, it vanished. "Did you see that?"

"Growf."

"I could have sworn I saw something. I believe we should check it out."

The panda flipped his sign over, "what if it's the Master?"

Soun sat down and pushed a shogi piece on the board. "Your move, Saotome."

Ranko came back downstairs. She wore a red silk Chinese sleeveless shirt
with yellow clasps, black cotton drawstring pants, black leather bracers and
punched her fists together. "I'm ready for him."

Soun looked up from his game. The panda took this opportunity to knock a few
shogi pieces off the board. "Who are you expecting?"

"That Ventura guy. I owe him a rematch."

Ranko's mother came out of the kitchen, covered in flour. "Ranko? I need you
in here, and why are you dressed like that?" She produced an apron and
tossed it at the small girl. "I need you here right now."

Holding the apron like it was radioactive, she whined back. "But, I can't
wear this. I gotta do somethin' first."

Nodoka glared.

"Okay!" She put on the apron. "I'm comin'. Geez, what's so..." She took one
look at the kitchen and knew why. "Oh, my."

"You're on stove duty." Mrs. Saotome nudged Ranko over to the stove that was
covered with steaming pots and a pan with sizzling dumplings. In the
background, Akane was sweeping up the remains of several dishes off of the
floor. Everywhere, there were globs of dough and foodstuffs clinging to the
walls and ceiling. How they got there, Ranko dared not ask.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Is the coast clear?" asked an insane pet detective to his Ninja Raccoon
minion. The creature made clicking sounds and pantomimed a martial arts
pose. "Hmm, that could be a problem. Anyone have yarn?"

A ball of yarn bounced of Ace's head. "Great. Anyone have a Big Mac?"

A Macintosh computer smashed into the detective's torso, knocking the man
down. After recovering, he brushed himself off. "That's not what I meant." A
gorilla beat his chest then sulked.

"Okay, our target is just beyond this wall, everyone knows what to do?"

The animals shrugged.

"Good answer." Ace clambered up the wall and got stuck just before reaching
the top. "A little help here?" With a mighty heave, the gorilla shoved the
detective up and over the wall, right into the koi pond.

Kasumi chimed. "We have visitors."

Ranko looked up from the stove and instantly recognized her foe. "That's
him." She was about to jump out the window when common sense changed her
mind. Smiling, she asked, "Kasumi, can you take care of this please?"

Kasumi knew what was really happening. "Of course, Ranko, but hurry back."

Akane waved. "Don't worry, I'll take care of things."

Nodoka and Kasumi exchanged worried glances.

Ranko ran outside before Nodoka could stop her. "Hey, jerk. Whatcha' doin'
here? I'm ready for you."

Ace's confidence shrank just a little. "Oh, crud. It's you again. Don't you
worry. I'm not here for Charlotte."

Ranko blinked and lowered her arms. "Charlotte? You can have the
freeloader."

"I can? Did you hear that boys? Go get Charlotte!" Coming over the wall were
hundreds of small animals, rats, mice, squirrels, Japanese raccoon dogs,
American raccoons in ninja garb, small dogs and of course, cats.

Ranko shivered in fright but held her ground. "C-c-cats."

Coming around the corner of the house, after spending the last few minutes
trying to get back in, P-Chan walked slowly then bugged his eyes out at the
wall of creatures who took notice of him and were coming straight at him.
"Bwee!" He turned around and ran straight into a wall. Bouncing off, he flew
into the air and landed right on Ranko's head.

Ranko was too terrified to do anything but mutter, "get off of me you...
you..." The pair were dog piled by over one hundred animals.

"Remember boys, she's only good to me alive." He pulled out a cell phone and
dialed a number.

On the line came Azusa Shiratori, the true owner of Charlotte the pig. "Mr.
Detective-san, you found my Charlotte?"

"Yes, I did. She's at the Tendo Dojo. You can come and get her and don't
forget to bring my fee!"

"YAY!" The other end clicked off.

Ace waltzed up to the fallen girl and plucked the unconscious piglet laying
next to her. "It's getting easier every time. Here, hold this for a minute."
He tossed the pig to his friend the gorilla. "If she wakes up, use this." He
handed him a bottle of chloroform. "And don't drink it this time!"

The gorilla sulked again.

"Now, you." Ace pointed a finger at the panda who was hiding behind a couch
inside the house. "It's time to come home."

Nabiki sat back. This was bad for her plans.

Mr. Panda shook his head, no. He pulled out a sign. "You've got the wrong
panda."

Nodoka came out, standing tall. "Mr. Panda is already home. He belongs to
Ranko." She looked around. "Where is she?"

In the middle of the yard, there was a small pile of cats, just laying about
covering up something.

"Not according to the zoo." Ace pulled out an official looking document. "I
have here a copy of the bill of sale. Bon-Bon there is property of the Utena
Zoo and I've come to take her home, you panda-napper."

Nodoka reached out and took the document. Reading it carefully, she found a
disturbing clause. "It was sold by... What on Earth? For how much?"

Nabiki teleported next to Nodoka and read the amount. "That would pay for
all of our college tuitions!" She turned around and angrily glared at her
father. "You knew didn't you?"

It was Soun's turn to hide behind the couch. "I knew nothing until
recently." He turned to look at the panda. "And I didn't know that much
money was involved."

The panda held up a sign. "So I didn't put the decimal point in the right
place. I'm a panda, not an accountant."

Nabiki stormed up to the panda. "Where's the money?"

Mr. Panda shrank back, "the Master has it!"

Soun nodded in agreement and terror, "Yes, he's telling the truth. The
Master took it."

Nabiki crossed her arms in disgust. "That's explains the outfits he got for
Ranma this morning."

"Ranma?" Nodoka appeared next to Nabiki. "He was here this morning?"

Should she, or shouldn't she? That was the question going through Nabiki's
mind. Ranma still owed her thirty five hundred yen, but there was enough
chaos right now. She didn't need to add to it, yet. "I'm sorry Mrs. Saotome,
I meant to say Ranko."

Nabiki felt bad as Nodoka's joyous smile changed into her usual forced
happiness. "Oh, I'm sorry for interrupting you."

"I'm on the clock people." Ace pointed to his broken watch. "Bon-Bon, are
you coming quietly?"

"Sir," Nodoka asked in a no-nonsense tone, "I'm sure we can come to some
sort of an arrangement. You see, my husband didn't own that panda. It
belongs to my niece."

"According to the zoo, he belongs to them. So hand him over and no one gets
hurt." For emphasis, two dozen squirrels wearing Imperial Stormtrooper
uniforms held up what looked like blasters and aimed them at the Tendos. "Be
careful, they've got itchy trigger fingers."

Nodoka bowed in respect. "You don't need to resort to violence. Let us
discuss this over tea."

"I'm more of a coffee drinker myself, but I do have a job to do. Come on
Bon-Bon, come to daddy!" Ace whistled and his legions of critters formed
ranks behind him, except for the cats, they stood guard over the sleeping
Ranko.