[FFML] [ffml][lemon][fragment][Tenchi] Please help C&C

[Angus MacSpon]

On 2/12/2007, at 10:31, doug whiddon wrote:
> The butt head, shit bag, scum sucking, control freak, moderator keeps
> telling me the segment I want to post has 1, count-em 1, grammer
> error. (although in the last email he said he thinks he sees  
> another one)
> Since its a short segment he won't allow any. And he won't
> tell me what the error is, where it is, or what kind of error it  
> is. I think
> he's pegging me for a style choice, but he claims it is a glaring
> technical error.
> You will find the segment bellow. If anyone can spot the error,  
> they will
> earn my eternal gratitude.

Personally I count more than one error ...

> ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
> It's a continuation of story where upon release Ryoko ends
> up chained to a pole and Tenchi is going to have his way with her.
> the previous chapter is here:
>
> http://addventure.bast-enterprises.de/120418.html?
> ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
> (and here's my bit)
>
> The kiss deepened. Tenchi reached down and slid two fingers into her
> cleft. She was wet enough to ease entry, but very tight. He rubbed
> his thumb against her clit making her moan into his mouth. Her whole

Needs a comma after "her clit".

> body arched against his, she tightened up until he was worried he
> would lose his fingers.

Comma splice.  The comma after "arched against his" should be a
semicolon.

> She broke the kiss. "Fuck me!" she said, almost begging.
>
> Tenchi withdrew his fingers and slid his cock into her. She was
> incredibly tight, and the best thing he ever felt. He slid in and out

Probably should be "the best thing he had ever felt", unless you mean  
that
he'll never feel anything better than this in the future.

> slowly, savoring the feeling. He started to move faster as her moans
> deepened. He gripped her hips as he thrust in as hard and fast as  
> he could.
>
> "Fuck me harder!" Ryoko cried out. Her long legs wrapped around
> Tenchi's waist as she pulled and bounced on the chains at her wrists.
>
> Tenchi came hard.
>
> Ryoko's head fell back. "Oh, Yes!" she cried.

"Yes" shouldn't be capitalised.

> Tenchi's energy drained, he pulled his now flaccid cock from the
> tight grip of Ryoko's pussy and fell to his knees. Ryoko's legs were
> still wrapped around his waist. The part of Tenchi's brain not
> dedicated to fucking Ryoko noticed something wrong. He looked to his
> left. One of the chains that was supposed to be holding Ryoko's legs
> was lying on the grass, its manacle still locked and unbroken. Tenchi
> looked to his right and the other chain was the same. Tenchi looked
> back at Ryoko. She smiled, and seeming to read his mind, slipped out

Misplaced comma.  Should be "She smiled and, seeming"

> of the wrist manacles. Tenchi wasn't sure how she got loose. One
> moment she was locked up, the next she was free, and Tenchi was too
> tired to fight.

Purely as a stylistic point ... you use Tenchi's name six times in this
one paragraph.  Since there's only one male character present (that's
mentioned in this excerpt), it would be safe, and probably better, to
use "he" most of the time.

Cheers,
Angus

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon                                  Email: macspon at ihug.co.nz
ICQ: 65719513                          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/