[FFML] [C&C] [SM] Sailor Moon 4200: Chapter 13

[Angus MacSpon]

On 28/08/2007, at 06:13, S. 'Zoogz' Jamison wrote:
>   Hello again Angus!
>
>   I remember this thing... it's rather fond memories too, as I was
> studying in Japan when you released Chapter Nine.  I remembered being
> floored by it, as it was an extremely good read.
>
>   So when I saw that you released another chapter, I was rather
> interested to read it.  Especially since I realized that you'd written
> more since the last time I read any of the story, which was roughly
> around Chapter Eleven.
>
>   Many apologies, but I've been spending the last two weeks rereading
> the entire story.  It's still good, and it leaves me wanting more too.
> More apologies come because my mail client probably destroyed some
> formatting.
>
>   Your prereaders have done a terrific job so far, as well as  
> yourself.
> I did want to bring up a couple things though, just for the fun of it.

By all means, and thanks.  My apologies for the delay in responding,  
by the way; it's not a matter of real life getting in the way, you  
understand, it's sheer bloody laziness on my part.

I'll pass over some of the points you make, and simply say "thank  
you" again where appropriate.  In a couple of places where you've  
suggested corrections I've made them.

>   A couple comments here...
>
>   The chapter began with the above scene, where we have two characters
> reacting to what happened before -- the event which closed Chapter
> Twelve, we are assuming (since the "Sailor Moon assuming government"
> subplot had been addressed already).
>
>   The chapter stop was already used to build suspense.  So was the
> delay
> in publishing between Chapters Twelve and Thirteen.  As a showman, you
> do want to draw the reveal out to increase anticipation, but on the
> other hand you've already set a literary device (the chapter break) to
> do the same thing.  While I appreciate the above scene, at least
> cutting
> it a bit shorter would have made things move smoother in my opinion.

Actually, when I decided to start the chapter with Twelve and the  
chairman, what was mostly going through my mind was, "I wonder how  
many people I can sucker into thinking that I'm not going to continue  
on from the cliffhanger?"

Be that as it may, I did in fact find the framing sequence a useful  
way to introduce the chapter, to myself as much as anyone else.  It  
could have been shorter, I suppose, but at the same time I was using  
it to make a few minor plot points, and ... hell, once my characters  
start talking it's always been hard for me to get them to stop until  
they reach the right point.

>   Second comment: Number Twelve is starting to sound like the Brain
> from
> Pinky and the Brain.  Obviously, we haven't been shown any of her
> private consultations with the Crystal-Thing, but it definitely sounds
> like a major line of propaganda in the absence of any other solid
> evidence.
>
>   I know that you've already written Number Twelve in a certain
> fashion,
> but I know that I would be believing her words far more if she was a
> little more self-assured about their delivery.  I really have no idea
> about the future of your work and whether or not The Crystal Thing is
> this overconfident, but I would just feel as if the Senshi were in  
> more
> peril if the confidence level was ratcheted down a bit.
>
>   Of course, all objections are moot if this was the effect you're
> reaching for.  :)

Can't comment on Pinky and the Brain; I've never actually watched  
it.  However, with regard to Twelve's overweening confidence, I would  
point out Pluto and Itsuko's words from the previous chapter: "The  
only chance we have to win [...] is to do exactly what they want us  
to do -- exactly what they need in order for _them_ to win."  Draw  
your own conclusions...

>   And I just wanted to point this out as another part I enjoyed, as it
> was definitely a lot of fun to see the allegiance of a specific  
> portion
> of the government switch.  It's one thing when the upper levels of the
> government already have resigned themselves to the Crystal Thing, then
> to Number Twelve, and from there the attacks.  When the lower  
> levels of
> the government skip steps one and two, there's a far different  
> reaction
> to step three.
>
>   Besides, it's also enjoyable to see the well-armed humans get taken
> slightly out of their depth.  These guys are written very well, as  
> they
> understand fully that the best they can hope for is to be a support
> unit once the crystals arrive... and to have to defend the Senshi who
> were disagreeing with the S Division's order to arrest Itsuko a few
> short paragraphs ago.  Good stuff.

Thanks.  Hiiro and his team are well aware that their position is  
becoming less and less tenable, and its morality more and more  
dubious.  I'm still not entirely sure how the whole thing will end up  
for them, actually, but there's a fair chance that it won't be well.

>> Behind her, Tuxedo Kamen moved in to take on the vitrimorph she had
>> dodged.  The cane he had held earlier had somehow become a sword; now
>> he fought with a cool economy of motion, blade in one hand and a rose
>> in the other.  His cape swirled about him, distracting the eye and
>> making it hard to follow his movement.  The top hat, as absurd in  
>> this
>> day and age as a doublet and hose, seemed glued to his head.
>
>   When reading this paragraph, I was reminded of "The Incredibles"  
> with
> Edna Mode's cutscene talked about the dangers of capes, and I got a
> short chuckle.  Hope Tuxy doesn't get sucked into a jet engine anytime
> soon.  Wait, maybe I do... :)

Kamen:  (sigh)  Nobody loves me.
Serenity:  *I* love you, Endy-chan!
Kamen:  Oh.  Thanks, I feel much bett--
Serenity:  Except of course that you've been molesting our daughter.   
MOON RETRIBUTIVE ANNIHILATION STRIKE!
(Massive violence)
Kamen:  (sigh)  Nobody loves me.

>> This one caught the vitrimorph dead-centre.  It let out a howl that
>> almost seemed to contain words, and disintegrated into a pile of dull
>> crystalline rubble.
>
>   I remember Chapter Nine, yet I don't remember exactly how Number
> Twelve is making these things.  This section made me wonder if they  
> are
> still innocent people, and it was a good dangler for future
> curiousity's sake.

Hasn't been definitively revealed, though there've been a few hints.   
Comes out into the open next chapter, actually.

>> Miyo looked up at her.  A thin trickle of blood ran from her nose,  
>> and
>> for a moment, her eyes did not seem to focus.  Then they cleared.   
>> She
>> looked up at Itsuko with a twisted, painful grin and said, "Hiya,
>> Itsuko.  It's a mess, isn't it?"
>>
>> Itsuko managed a smile of her own.  "I've seen better," she admitted.
>> "Think you can stand?"
>
>   This section confused me slightly.  I pointed out the time above  
> when
> Miyo was told to stay down, and she showed enough fire to retort hotly
> and enough wit to realize where she was.  The next time we visit Miyo,
> she seems to be far worse off.  While I understand the adrenaline can
> certainly wear off, it didn't seem like she had any adrenaline in her
> system when she first came to either.  Did something happen to her in
> the fight subsequently, or did I miss it?  How did she end up in this
> shape absent any other cause?

Umm, good point.  Will have to tinker with this.

>> Serenity shook her head slowly.  [[No.  I am here, in spirit.  During
>> the battle against the enemy, I bound myself to the Ginzuishou to
>> preserve it from the enemy's control.  Too closely.  When they killed
>> me, a part of me stayed behind -- still locked inside.]]
>
>   Thanks for the explanation... after reading it the first time (and
> missing this part) I was wondering the same thing.  It certainly would
> have been interesting for Usagi to have to get nagged by her mother  
> for
> 700 and change years too, if her mother managed to become part of the
> crystal too...

Damn, but that's a lovely thought!  Don't think I can work it in,  
alas, but still...

>   As an overall comment for the followup scene, with Usagi-Serenity
> counseling the newer Senshi, it was a relief to get a few more plot
> details too.

It'd be a shame to spend all that time and not advance things at  
least a little, hmm?

I'll admit that I was concerned about the massive talking-heads  
segments in this chapter -- both here and at the end.  But it was  
hard to avoid, both plot-wise and structurally; all I could really do  
was try to keep it under some control, and hope that I could keep it  
moving enough that it wouldn't drag too much.

>   One of the things that I've enjoyed about Sailor Moon 4200 is the
> fact
> that Rei Hino is the focus of the senshi who have lived before.  The
> one
> thing that took me a while to digest is that Rei is definitely
> different
> in this story, and of course it is because of all she's seen and done.
> Moments like this are fun for me, because I'm reminded right here that
> Rei Hino lives inside Itsuko Pappadopoulos; not just the change of
> name,
> but also the fact that confronted with an indicator of her past that
> she
> reverts to being so impulsive that she rejects the last 722 years for
> what just happened barely fifteen seconds ago.
>
>   I know that this is yet another applause moment, but I wanted to  
> make
> sure you knew one of the reasons for why I enjoy this 'fic. I enjoy
> that
> you can actually read and see how the characters have grown yet get
> interesting reminders of who they once were.

Aha!  You've fallen into my cunning trap!

The truth is, I'm actually rotten at characterisation -- or, at  
least, I'm rotten at keeping true to characterisations created by  
other people.  I read a lot of fanfiction and think to myself, "Yeah,  
xxx is being written exactly right -- just the way they really act in  
the canon."  And I can't write like that at all; once the characters  
and plots start spinning in my head, it becomes very difficult for me  
to keep them true to the originals.

My solution, invariably, is to cheat.  I show the characters, yes,  
but at some point immensely far-removed from the original stories.   
The sheer distance means that you can't *expect* them to behave the  
same way as in the canon, and so I'm safe.  Thus, in "Autumn and  
Spring" I had an 85-year-old Ranma; he's had a lifetime to age and  
mature and so of course he's different.  In SM4200 I write about Rei  
and Makoto, yes, but this Rei is now 2222 years old; and Makoto,  
though she's technically only 16, has the memories of three lifetimes  
and furthermore has grown up with a family, instead of being an  
orphan for however many years.  And so forth.

In short, I get to write about my own characters, and pretend they're  
the canon ones; I just have to insert the odd reference to the canon,  
and throw in the occasional hand-wave to how they used to be.  It's  
cheating, from start to finish.

(Okay, I'm exaggerating.  But maybe not all that much.)

>> Serenity paused, and gave Itsuko an unexpectedly piercing look.  At
> the
>> same time, almost imperceptibly, something seemed to change in the
> room
>> about them.  But Itsuko had no time to try to analyse it, for the
> queen
>> went on at once.  [[It's nearly time for me to leave, Rei-chan.]]
>
>   Good misdirection on all parts.  Rei became eager to talk to  
> Serenity
> on the fact that her time was limited.  For this reader personally, I
> read on almost skimming the contents the first time because I was
> morbidly curious as to what Serenity would say.  And just like Rei, I
> missed the "something seemed to change" phrase.  After reading it the
> first time I went back to look for it, and there it is plain as day.
> I chuckled both at the characters and myself.  :)

Ha!  Finally somebody noticed the subliminal change in the background!

>   The middle part was interesting too, the raid on the office  
> building.
> I really don't have anything to compare that to, though I will say  
> that
> the motivation for the event was a bit flimsy on Moon's part.  I
> chalked
> that up to residual adrenaline in her system, the aforementioned
> "youth"
> that was brought up narratively, and more than a little bit of sleep-
> lessness... there's been more than a few times that I've wanted to  
> tear
> a few things up with friends of mine for far less reason, I suppose.
> :)

Yup, the raid was both ill-considered and unwise.  This will come  
back to haunt them, at least to some degree.

>> Jupiter spoke up.  "I don't suppose anyone has a torch?"
>>
>> "Oh."  Uranus again.  "I think I did see one, in the workshop.   
>> Just a
>> moment --" They heard quick footsteps, followed by a sudden heavy
>> clatter and a yelp of pain.  Then more deliberate footsteps, and the
>> sound of rummaging.  It seemed to last forever, but at last Uranus
> made
>> a pleased sound and they saw a dim light filtering back through the
>> corridor.  It brightened as Uranus returned.
>>
>> "There was an emergency kit," she explained, passing a second  
>> torch to
>> Sailor Moon.  "Everyone okay?  Any sign of Mercury and Mars?"
>>
>> "I didn't see them," replied Jupiter.  Uranus stepped past her and
>> shone her light around the laboratory.  The two Senshi were not  
>> there.
>
>   I just wanted to highlight these two parts just for a minor
> complaint.
> I am American, so when Jupiter asked Uranus to go find a torch, I
> thought that Uranus was going to come back with the *welding* torch  
> she
> found earlier.  While I do understand that it's also the term for a
> (large) flashlight and somewhat British, this did cause me a bit of a
> startle.  While I don't mind the phrasing, is there any way you could
> clarify a bit more?

... Dang.
I actually do try to be careful about Americanisms vs Britishisms.  I  
try to be careful to write "Mom" instead of "Mum", and "elevator"  
instead of "lift", secure in the knowledge that while they may not be  
the terms I'd actually use myself, at least  they won't be  
misunderstood.  But "torch" never even occurred to me.  I'll change  
it to "flashlight" -- again, not a word I'd normally use, but  
certainly a well-recognised one.

>> "Oh!"  The old woman was startled.  "This is 'M' Division's research
>> department, of course.  And I'm ... oh, just call me Emma.  I work
>> here."
>
>   Hmm.... I certainly have my ideas about this too.  Especially since
> it
> sounds to close to "Emma".
>
>   In all seriousness, it would make perfect sense to me too.  The
> person
> in question would have more than enough time to research the crystal
> itself while still fulfilling the Chairman's requests, the person in
> question was known to not put down a problem until she was finished
> with
> it, and while the person in question was not established as a
> mechanical
> engineer in canon she'd already been shown to engineer mechanics in
> other parts of this story...

Gee, it seems everyone has a theory about Emma.  :)

>> But at that, quite suddenly, the surreality of the moment caught up
>> with her, and she fumbled to a halt.  Here she was, standing out in
> the
>> street, in the middle of the night ... talking about Saint Hino,  
>> _the_
>> Sailor Mars ... to Sailor Moon, the daughter of the Blessed Lady
>> herself!  Talking perfectly familiarly, no less.  It was enough to
> make
>> her head swim.
>
>   Let's try that now.  I'm rapidly approaching middle age, have a job
> and a family, yet I'm debating the finer points of writing along with
> comments regarding an manga story originally written for little
> girls... while not making my head spin, it's fun to take away the
> context on a situation and just look at it, isn't it?

Hmm, hadn't thought of it in that connection, but true.
(And over the last few years I've written nearly 400,000 words of a  
*single story* about characters from a manga aimed at little girls.   
Instead of, y'know, actually writing something I could publish and  
get paid for.  Hmm.)

>> A hand fell heavily on her shoulder and the fingers tightened,  
>> digging
>> in painfully.  A moment later she was slammed back against the wall,
>> brutally hard.  She could not restrain a whimper of fear.
>>
>> "Iku, Iku, Iku," said her mother.  All the warmth was gone from her
>> voice.  Her eyes were cold, and there was an ugly smile on her face.
>>
>> "What _are_ we going to do with you?"
>
>   Unfortunately, especially with the way that you've written Iku, I'm
> not overly surprised that this was the cause of it.

Yeah.  It had become fairly clear, I think.

>> She looked down at him again, and the jewel on her forehead gave a
>> pulse of baleful light.  She started to laugh once more.  "They have
>> accepted the Master's gauntlet!  And now -- now it will be war  
>> between
>> us!"
>
>   Weapons of mass destruction indeed.  (And is that not Brain?)

Brain and brain ... what is brain?
^_^

>   That does bring the chapter to a close.  I'd been keeping an eye on
> the list traffic for this 'fic, and noticed that you said that you had
> the notes necessary to write out the next chapter and that if you rush
> you could have it written by the end of the year.  While I know that
> one
> inconsequential reader half a world away means little to your real- 
> life
> activities, I would just like to add my hopes that we can see Chapter
> Fourteen as soon as possible.  If there's anything I can do to assist,
> even if you need any kind of C&C along the process, by all means
> contact
> me.

Ha.  The only assistance I really need is a boot up the backside to  
stop me *reading* fanfics all the time, and get back to *writing*  
them.  This chapter took about two years to write, all up, but the  
last 70% or so was written in about four months.  The next  
chapter ... is begun, but in two months or so I've only managed 6000  
words.  So it goes.

>   And thanks again for writing a very good piece of work.  While I  
> have
> certainly spent time rereading in order to catch up to where your work
> is currently, I also enjoyed rereading it quite a bit.
>
>   Good luck!

Thanks again for the kind words, and for the commentary.

Cheers,
Angus

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon                                  Email: macspon at ihug.co.nz
ICQ: 65719513                          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/