[FFML] [C&C] [SM] Sailor Moon 4200: Chapter 13

[S. 'Zoogz' Jamison]

  Hello again Angus!

  I remember this thing... it's rather fond memories too, as I was
studying in Japan when you released Chapter Nine.  I remembered being
floored by it, as it was an extremely good read.

  So when I saw that you released another chapter, I was rather
interested to read it.  Especially since I realized that you'd written
more since the last time I read any of the story, which was roughly
around Chapter Eleven.

  Many apologies, but I've been spending the last two weeks rereading
the entire story.  It's still good, and it leaves me wanting more too.
More apologies come because my mail client probably destroyed some
formatting. 

  Your prereaders have done a terrific job so far, as well as yourself.
I did want to bring up a couple things though, just for the fun of it.


>"At last," Twelve grated.  She picked up one of the folders and
started
>to leaf through the report within.  The chairman followed suit.  They
>read for a time in silence.
>
>"Well," the chairman said at last.  "It could have been worse, I
>suppose."
>
>"Worse?" said Twelve.  "It was a _triumph_."
>
>The chairman looked down once more at the report.  It spelled out, in
a
>fair amount of detail, the events of the previous evening.  He had
>known part of it already, and he liked the full story even less.
>
>"Mm.  Quite," he murmured.  "But for whom, I wonder?  Them, or us?"
>
>Twelve smiled, and in her eyes there was an avid, wolfish glee.
>"Both," she said, and laughed.  "This only makes it better.  Every
>battle they win makes our victory more certain ... and what triumph
>could be better than one your enemy wins for you?"
>
>The chairman stood up from his desk -- making a small grunt of pain as
>the motion flexed his hands -- and went to the window, looking out
with
>a thoughtful expression.  "I'm not so sure," he said.  "After all,
>triumph or not, you still hadn't planned on _her_ appearing --"
>
>
>                            ****************
>
>
>Eight hours before:

  A couple comments here...

  The chapter began with the above scene, where we have two characters
reacting to what happened before -- the event which closed Chapter
Twelve, we are assuming (since the "Sailor Moon assuming government"
subplot had been addressed already).

  The chapter stop was already used to build suspense.  So was the
delay
in publishing between Chapters Twelve and Thirteen.  As a showman, you
do want to draw the reveal out to increase anticipation, but on the
other hand you've already set a literary device (the chapter break) to
do the same thing.  While I appreciate the above scene, at least
cutting
it a bit shorter would have made things move smoother in my opinion.

  Second comment: Number Twelve is starting to sound like the Brain
from
Pinky and the Brain.  Obviously, we haven't been shown any of her
private consultations with the Crystal-Thing, but it definitely sounds
like a major line of propaganda in the absence of any other solid
evidence.

  I know that you've already written Number Twelve in a certain
fashion,
but I know that I would be believing her words far more if she was a
little more self-assured about their delivery.  I really have no idea
about the future of your work and whether or not The Crystal Thing is
this overconfident, but I would just feel as if the Senshi were in more
peril if the confidence level was ratcheted down a bit.

  Of course, all objections are moot if this was the effect you're
reaching for.  :)


>Thin lines of light swirled about the vitrimorph.  Sparks leaped
>futilely from its crystalline body.  And then, to her horror, the fire
>at its feet flickered once ... and went out.
>
>Sailor Mars stared down at her hands.  Her lips moved soundlessly.
>
>She had failed.  Again.

  I quite admit that I do enjoy this aspect of your story.  I know that
there are times that, as humans, we feel inadequate no matter the task,
and to have one of the Senshi be one of the same is extremely
humanizing.  The circumstances surrounding her inadequacy aren't
completely linked to this, but it still serves well to me.


>"Stay down," said a voice in her ear.
>
>Miyo turned her head and saw a man crouched at her side, watching the
>battle intently.  His face was in shadow ... and he was holding a gun.
>
>She jerked at the sight and tried to roll away from him.  It worked a
>little better this time; she managed to turn halfway over before he
>caught her by the shoulder and pushed her back down.
>
>"Don't be a fool," he rasped at her.  "If you attract their attention,
>they'll kill you."
>
>As he spoke, he turned his head a little and his face caught the
light.
>She recognised him: he was the man who had been arresting Itsuko when
>she'd arrived.  The man who'd given the order to take Jupiter down.
>
>Furiously, Miyo wrenched herself free of his hand and managed to get
up
>on one elbow.  It was easier to move now; the anger seemed to help.
>She had, she saw, been pulled back into a corner of the office, out of
>the way of the battle.

 Kind of awkward... "she realized that she had been pulled back" maybe?


>That was just as well.  She goggled for an instant as she saw _four_
>vitrimorphs together, and the other Senshi locked in battle.
>
>With a grunt of effort, she forced herself to sit upright, bracing
>herself against the wall.  The man with the gun reached for her
shoulder
>again, then hesitated and withdrew his hand.
>
>"Damn it," he whispered, barely audible above the noise of the fight,
>"be sensible!  Stay out of the way and I'll protect you --"
>
>"Protect _me_?" she hissed back.  "Damn you, I'm a warrior!  I don't
>need protecting, I need to fight!"
>
>Something in his face changed -- it was almost a flinch.  Then, in a
>voice that was queerly matter-of-fact, he said, "I don't think the
>others need your help right now.  Not since ... _they_ arrived."
>
>"'They' --?"
>
>Then Miyo saw the couple he was talking about, and forgot to finish
her
>sentence.

  Dialogue nitpick: the two paragraphs above, "Damn it," to "Damn you,"
either sounds repeated or incompletely punctuated.  If Jupiter were
trying to twist his words back at him, I would think she'd set them
apart by saying them emphatically and setting them apart from the rest
of her thought.  (Yeah, quite a minor point...)

  And I just wanted to point this out as another part I enjoyed, as it
was definitely a lot of fun to see the allegiance of a specific portion
of the government switch.  It's one thing when the upper levels of the
government already have resigned themselves to the Crystal Thing, then
to Number Twelve, and from there the attacks.  When the lower levels of
the government skip steps one and two, there's a far different reaction
to step three.

  Besides, it's also enjoyable to see the well-armed humans get taken
slightly out of their depth.  These guys are written very well, as they
understand fully that the best they can hope for is to be a support
unit once the crystals arrive... and to have to defend the Senshi who
were disagreeing with the S Division's order to arrest Itsuko a few
short paragraphs ago.  Good stuff.


>Behind her, Tuxedo Kamen moved in to take on the vitrimorph she had
>dodged.  The cane he had held earlier had somehow become a sword; now
> he fought with a cool economy of motion, blade in one hand and a rose
>in the other.  His cape swirled about him, distracting the eye and
>making it hard to follow his movement.  The top hat, as absurd in this
>day and age as a doublet and hose, seemed glued to his head.

  When reading this paragraph, I was reminded of "The Incredibles" with
Edna Mode's cutscene talked about the dangers of capes, and I got a
short chuckle.  Hope Tuxy doesn't get sucked into a jet engine anytime
soon.  Wait, maybe I do... :)


>This one caught the vitrimorph dead-centre.  It let out a howl that
>almost seemed to contain words, and disintegrated into a pile of dull
>crystalline rubble.

  I remember Chapter Nine, yet I don't remember exactly how Number
Twelve is making these things.  This section made me wonder if they are
still innocent people, and it was a good dangler for future
curiousity's sake.


>She started to lift her tiara once more, but too slowly.  In a
>heartbeat the monster was towering over her, one hand theatrically
>poised to slam down.  Moon stared up at it, her eyes enormous, her
>mouth open --
>
>-- And several things happened at once.  A fusillade of shots rang out
>from four separate guns, starring the crystalline form.  A rose
planted
>itself in the vitrimorph's shoulder.  A razor-sharp bolt of ice struck
>it full in the back.  And a slender figure leaped out of the shadows
>and knocked Moon aside, sending her sprawling to the floor some
>distance away.

  Highlighting just for the sake of highlighting, and wondering why
the Senshi never thought to bring a platoon of soldiers before.  :)


>Itsuko was moving, even as Sailor Moon reached a hand down to Mars.
>Her head still throbbed, and her mind swam chaotically -- so many
>things had happened, so much to try to take in at once -- but one
>thing loomed paramount over the rest.  She pushed her way out from her
>bolt-hole and scrambled across the floor, toward the corner of the
>office ... and the girl who lay slumped against the wall, her face a
>ghastly chalk-white.
>
>"Miyo-chan," she said urgently.  "Miyo-chan, are you all right?"
>
>One of the 'S' Division men -- Captain Hiiro -- was kneeling beside
>Miyo, gun in hand.  His eyes narrowed as Itsuko approached, and he
>started to raise his weapon.  Then he appeared to think better of it.
>With an almost inaudible sigh, he stood up and stepped away from the
>girl.
>
>They exchanged a brief look as he rose.  Hiiro was the one who had
>started all this ... but he was also the one who had pulled Miyo to
>safety, and stayed by her to defend her.  It changed things, but how
>much?
>
>Deliberately, she turned her back on him and knelt by Miyo's side.
>"Miyo-chan?" she repeated.  "Can you hear me?"
>
>Miyo looked up at her.  A thin trickle of blood ran from her nose, and
>for a moment, her eyes did not seem to focus.  Then they cleared.  She
>looked up at Itsuko with a twisted, painful grin and said, "Hiya,
>Itsuko.  It's a mess, isn't it?"
>
>Itsuko managed a smile of her own.  "I've seen better," she admitted.
>"Think you can stand?"

  This section confused me slightly.  I pointed out the time above when
Miyo was told to stay down, and she showed enough fire to retort hotly
and enough wit to realize where she was.  The next time we visit Miyo,
she seems to be far worse off.  While I understand the adrenaline can
certainly wear off, it didn't seem like she had any adrenaline in her
system when she first came to either.  Did something happen to her in
the fight subsequently, or did I miss it?  How did she end up in this
shape absent any other cause?


>She was interrupted by a sudden, urgent knock at the door.  Before
>either of them could speak, it was flung open and the same messenger
>who had brought in the reports earlier entered.  He looked agitated.
>He hurried over to the chairman and handed him a single sheet of
paper,
>then left even more quickly, bowing three times as he closed the door.

  "And the Academy Award goes to..."


>Miyo was holding back tears of her own, but she managed to keep her
>voice steady as she asked, "Are you ... some kind of hologram, then?
>Like that one of your mother on the Moon?"
>
>Serenity shook her head slowly.  [[No.  I am here, in spirit.  During
>the battle against the enemy, I bound myself to the Ginzuishou to
>preserve it from the enemy's control.  Too closely.  When they killed
>me, a part of me stayed behind -- still locked inside.]]

  Thanks for the explanation... after reading it the first time (and
missing this part) I was wondering the same thing.  It certainly would
have been interesting for Usagi to have to get nagged by her mother for
700 and change years too, if her mother managed to become part of the
crystal too...

  As an overall comment for the followup scene, with Usagi-Serenity
counseling the newer Senshi, it was a relief to get a few more plot
details too.


>By the time the last girl froze back in place and the luminous eyes of
>the queen turned to her at last, she was as angry as she'd ever been
>with Serenity ... or Usagi.  She barely even noticed as all sound in
>the room around her took on a curiously flat, anechoic quality.  She
>strode forward to face the queen, and let her rage spill over.
>
>"You didn't tell her, did you?" she demanded.
>
>[[Rei-chan,]] said Serenity.
>
>"Don't call me that, damn you!  Don't you try to soothe me!  Just
>answer the question.  Look at her!  You talked to her and she's all
>smiling, happy.  She called you her goddess and _you didn't deny it,
>did you_?"

  One of the things that I've enjoyed about Sailor Moon 4200 is the
fact
that Rei Hino is the focus of the senshi who have lived before.  The
one
thing that took me a while to digest is that Rei is definitely
different
in this story, and of course it is because of all she's seen and done.
Moments like this are fun for me, because I'm reminded right here that
Rei Hino lives inside Itsuko Pappadopoulos; not just the change of
name,
but also the fact that confronted with an indicator of her past that
she
reverts to being so impulsive that she rejects the last 722 years for
what just happened barely fifteen seconds ago.

  I know that this is yet another applause moment, but I wanted to make
sure you knew one of the reasons for why I enjoy this 'fic. I enjoy
that
you can actually read and see how the characters have grown yet get
interesting reminders of who they once were.


>Serenity paused, and gave Itsuko an unexpectedly piercing look.  At
the
>same time, almost imperceptibly, something seemed to change in the
room
>about them.  But Itsuko had no time to try to analyse it, for the
queen
>went on at once.  [[It's nearly time for me to leave, Rei-chan.]]

  Good misdirection on all parts.  Rei became eager to talk to Serenity
on the fact that her time was limited.  For this reader personally, I
read on almost skimming the contents the first time because I was
morbidly curious as to what Serenity would say.  And just like Rei, I
missed the "something seemed to change" phrase.  After reading it the
first time I went back to look for it, and there it is plain as day.
I chuckled both at the characters and myself.  :)


>[[You remember that while I spoke to each of the girls, the rest were
>frozen?  Well, your punishment is this: I unfroze them all several
>minutes ago.  They've heard everything you and I have said since
then.]]
>
>"-- WHAT?!"
>
>[[Good-bye, Rei-chan.  Good-bye, Mako-chan.  And all of you.  I love
>you all; remember that.  Always ...]]
>
>As she spoke, Serenity began to glow once more.  Swiftly the light
>became brighter and brighter, until they had to shield their eyes.
>With a final, sudden flash, she was gone.  For a second or two, Itsuko
>thought she could see a faint afterimage, like a golden crescent moon.
>Then nothing.

  No Cheshire cat grin to finish?  Aww...

  The middle part was interesting too, the raid on the office building.
I really don't have anything to compare that to, though I will say that
the motivation for the event was a bit flimsy on Moon's part.  I
chalked
that up to residual adrenaline in her system, the aforementioned
"youth"
that was brought up narratively, and more than a little bit of sleep-
lessness... there's been more than a few times that I've wanted to tear
a few things up with friends of mine for far less reason, I suppose. 
:)


>"Great.  Bye!"  Uranus switched off her communicator and started
>looking around for something else to destroy.  Sailor Venus had a good
>lead built up, and Uranus didn't want the girl to think she was
>slacking.
>
>She noticed a welding torch on an equipment rack.  Hmm.
>
....
>
>Jupiter spoke up.  "I don't suppose anyone has a torch?"
>
>"Oh."  Uranus again.  "I think I did see one, in the workshop.  Just a
>moment --" They heard quick footsteps, followed by a sudden heavy
>clatter and a yelp of pain.  Then more deliberate footsteps, and the
>sound of rummaging.  It seemed to last forever, but at last Uranus
made
>a pleased sound and they saw a dim light filtering back through the
>corridor.  It brightened as Uranus returned.
>
>"There was an emergency kit," she explained, passing a second torch to
>Sailor Moon.  "Everyone okay?  Any sign of Mercury and Mars?"
>
>"I didn't see them," replied Jupiter.  Uranus stepped past her and
>shone her light around the laboratory.  The two Senshi were not there.

  I just wanted to highlight these two parts just for a minor
complaint.
I am American, so when Jupiter asked Uranus to go find a torch, I
thought that Uranus was going to come back with the *welding* torch she
found earlier.  While I do understand that it's also the term for a
(large) flashlight and somewhat British, this did cause me a bit of a
startle.  While I don't mind the phrasing, is there any way you could
clarify a bit more?


>"Oh!"  The old woman was startled.  "This is 'M' Division's research
>department, of course.  And I'm ... oh, just call me Emma.  I work
>here."

  Hmm.... I certainly have my ideas about this too.  Especially since
it
sounds to close to "Emma".

  In all seriousness, it would make perfect sense to me too.  The
person
in question would have more than enough time to research the crystal
itself while still fulfilling the Chairman's requests, the person in
question was known to not put down a problem until she was finished
with
it, and while the person in question was not established as a
mechanical
engineer in canon she'd already been shown to engineer mechanics in
other parts of this story...


>But at that, quite suddenly, the surreality of the moment caught up
>with her, and she fumbled to a halt.  Here she was, standing out in
the
>street, in the middle of the night ... talking about Saint Hino, _the_
>Sailor Mars ... to Sailor Moon, the daughter of the Blessed Lady
>herself!  Talking perfectly familiarly, no less.  It was enough to
make
>her head swim.

  Let's try that now.  I'm rapidly approaching middle age, have a job
and a family, yet I'm debating the finer points of writing along with
comments regarding an manga story originally written for little
girls... while not making my head spin, it's fun to take away the
context on a situation and just look at it, isn't it?


>The pink princess grew thoughtful once more.  "You don't have to
choose
>right now, you know.  You'll have years, probably.  All the time you
>want."  She stepped back from the window and leaned against the edge
of
>Itsuko's desk.  "It's different for you.  Mother _knew_ what she was
>supposed to do.  She'd seen it; she'd actually visited this time.  Not
>that I think she had any regrets!  But you ... you can choose your own
>path.  In a way, you're far freer than she ever was."

  Another nice touch, especially when we had Pluto's explanations in
previous chapters.

  And it's definitely a coincidence that Dhiti's dream had absolutely
no images of Ami Mizuno, right?  :)


>A hand fell heavily on her shoulder and the fingers tightened, digging
>in painfully.  A moment later she was slammed back against the wall,
>brutally hard.  She could not restrain a whimper of fear.
>
>"Iku, Iku, Iku," said her mother.  All the warmth was gone from her
>voice.  Her eyes were cold, and there was an ugly smile on her face.
>
>"What _are_ we going to do with you?"

  Unfortunately, especially with the way that you've written Iku, I'm
not overly surprised that this was the cause of it.


>She looked down at him again, and the jewel on her forehead gave a
>pulse of baleful light.  She started to laugh once more.  "They have
>accepted the Master's gauntlet!  And now -- now it will be war between
>us!"

  Weapons of mass destruction indeed.  (And is that not Brain?)


  That does bring the chapter to a close.  I'd been keeping an eye on
the list traffic for this 'fic, and noticed that you said that you had
the notes necessary to write out the next chapter and that if you rush
you could have it written by the end of the year.  While I know that
one
inconsequential reader half a world away means little to your real-life
activities, I would just like to add my hopes that we can see Chapter
Fourteen as soon as possible.  If there's anything I can do to assist,
even if you need any kind of C&C along the process, by all means
contact
me.

  And thanks again for writing a very good piece of work.  While I have
certainly spent time rereading in order to catch up to where your work
is currently, I also enjoyed rereading it quite a bit.

  Good luck!

   ---S. "Zoogz" Jamison



       
____________________________________________________________________________________
Need a vacation? Get great deals
to amazing places on Yahoo! Travel.
http://travel.yahoo.com/