[FFML] [fanfic][Sailormoon] Moonshadow, chapter five (draft)

[Angus MacSpon]

On 24/08/2007, at 11:24, The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
> There was, loathe though she was to admit it, only one real source of
> information about this whole thing, as far as she knew.

An actual typo! :)  "Loath," not "loathe".

I was a little surprised by the history lesson, in that it was so  
close to canon (albeit with a lot more detail than the canon ever  
gave us).

Other than that -- it felt rather flat, lifeless.  We're being given  
all this history as Luna's speech, but the way it comes out, she  
might as well be reading it from a history book.  A large body of  
exposition isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I think this might work  
better if you either re-cast it as straight prose, or give it at  
lease *some* "speech" flavour -- either (as Jon Rosebaugh suggests)  
cast it as a dialog between Luna and Ami, with questions and  
interruptions and digressions and whatnot, which might well make it  
more entertaining to read but could easily make it twice the length  
as well, which may not be a goal of yours! -- or recast the speech to  
add the personality of the speaker, perhaps make it a little more  
biased, showing that it's what happened from a youma's point of view.

Cheers,
Angus

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Angus MacSpon                                  Email: macspon at ihug.co.nz
ICQ: 65719513                          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/