[FFML] [C&C] Re: [fanfic][Sailormoon][dark][lemon] Moonshadow, chapter three (draft)

[Aaron Nowack]

And chapter three.

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
> "Oh...okay," Usagi replied nervously. Not being able to see the large
> creature and yet knowing she was there set her on edge; it felt like she was
> being stalked, hunted.

I can't possibly imagine why.  ;)

> As the two boys ran off, Saegusa observed the girl they had been shamelessly
> ogling. "Mizuno, hmm?"
> 
> A decidedly unprofessional leer crossed his face. "Sou ka..."

...well, I guess that's where those warnings are going to come into play.

> It was well past sunset by the time Ami finally emerged from the bathroom,
> wrapped in a thick, fluffy towel. She dried herself off mechanically, and
> dressed in old, faded jeans and a baggy, frayed blue sweater. She walked to
> the front of the apartment to check the door locks; once satisfied the door
> was bolted and chained securely, she retreated to her room, curled up on a
> ball on her bed, and sat, staring at nothing, trying to rid herself of the
> memories of the day's traumatic ordeal.
> 
> Sleep did not come for Mizuni Ami that night.

Mizuno

> Usagi nodded. "From what I heard...I think Saegusa-sensei must have..." She
> shuddered. "Must have assaulted her. And--"
> 
> "And her Senshi powers objected. Violently."
> 
> "Yeah."
> 
> Luna snorted. "Good for her. One less bastard rapist in the world."

Hmm.  A little odd sentiment for a youma.

> Moon stood, gazing sadly at her, for a long moment. Then, she sighed,
> dispelling her own transformation. "If...that is your wish, Mizuno-san." She
> bowed, then turned; Luna jumped to her shoulder, casting one last withering
> look at the shorter girl.
> 
> They left.
> 
> Ami stood staring at the door for a very long time after.

Well, that could have gone better.

Wound up having even fewer comments than the past two, but that's
probably because I was too wrapped up in the story, so that's a good
thing. ;)

After three chapters, it's a very strong start; I'm definitely
interested in seeing what happens next.

-- 
           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/