[FFML] [C&C] Re: [fanfic][Sailormoon] Moonshadow, chapter two

[Aaron Nowack]

Moving right along...

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
> "Hold it RIGHT THERE, you!"
> 
> Mina felt a strange rush as she stood on the roof of the museum, facing the
> burglar as he attempted to flee the scene of the crime.
> 
> An odd one he was, too. Who the heck wore formalwear to commit a felony?

Should maybe be "formal wear"?

Although, knowing English, it's probably a valid word that I'm just not
familiar with. ;)

> He sighed. "Or else..." He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a
> small black snub-nosed revolver. "what?"

...well, I suppose it's easier to threaten with it than a rose.

> "Your mother BACK THEN the Queen," Luna snapped, causing Usagi to flinch,
> "sent you and her little whor--*warriors* forward in time when you died to
> be reborn so that you could all fight again if you needed to. Though why she
> sent *you* is beyond me, but...anyway." 

My, this Luna seems to have enjoyed her job _so much_.

...although, it's rather interesting that you have Mina transforming
into her Sailor Moon-like Sailor V outfit when the "who's the real
Princess?" plot doesn't look like it's going to come into play at all.

> "Because my que--" Luna coughed. "Queen Serenity's enemies are returning to
> this world. Without you and the warriors, Earth will be overrun with
> darkness. Humanity will be enslaved by demonic hordes."

...hmm.  So this Luna was originally a servant of Beryl and/or Metallia?

Wonder what that means for Artemis.  Timothy's definitely a bit...
slimier than canon Artemis, but thus far he doesn't seem quite... primal
evil enough to be the same as Luna.

> "I figured it wouldn't stand up to my Smoking Bomber," a familiar voice
> drifted from a short distance away. The blond looked up, eyes wide...
> 
> The thief stood nearby, casually hefting a grenade launcher from which
> trails of smoke curled into the night air. He grinned at her. "So, still
> want me to go to jail?"

...hah.  Well, that's one way to pull off a special attack.  :)

> Luna closed her eyes, the scar on her forehead dripping fresh blood on the
> ground. *Master. I've got her. We're in trouble. They're coming. We need
> help...*

Hmm.

> "Silver Tide."
> 
> An intense, nearly blinding wave of rolling silver energy boiled outward
> from the transformed princess, sweeping over the four attackers. The zombies
> roared in pain as their flesh began to crumble. Dim, flickering amber flames
> erupted from their mouths, floating into the night. Luna turned her head and
> looked away as the brilliant light from the princess' attack burned the
> unholy monsters into nothingness, leaving little more than piles of ash and
> soiled, foul cloth.

...well, that's a _little_ more impressive than Moon Tiara Action.

> As her remaining minions faded away, she felt a violent tug on her very
> soul. She screamed in defiance, but was unable to resist the pull...
> 
> In a flash of ebon fire, the redhead vanished.

Interesting to see Beryl (I presume) acting in the "General" role.  I
wonder whether Jadeite and the rest'll be showing up at all.

> "FOOL."
> 
> "Y-Your Majesty, I--"
> 
> "SILENCE!"
> 
> The redhead quailed.
> 
> Upon a throne caked in dried blood and decorated with gruesome, inhuman
> skulls, a woman in flowing black silk robes sat, glowering menacingly at the
> pale woman. She, too, had fiery copper hair, as well as cold grey eyes. Long
> ornamental spikes protruded from leather shoulderguards, and a black crown
> topped her head. Her chalk-white face was set in a mask of rage; a slim hand
> with long, slender fingers ending in three-inch, black-painted nails pointed
> at the pale woman cowering before the throne.

...or not.

> "As a sister and as a servant, you are useless to me," Beryl spat. She
> wrenched her hand out of Morganite's chest, pulling a rough-hewn yellow
> crystal which pulsed with an inner glow, the rhythm much like a heartbeat.
> Smiling coldly, she closed her hand, and the crystal shattered, raining
> fragments on the cold stone floor.
> 
> Morganite gasped one last, painful wheeze, and fell dead at her sister's
> feet.

Out of curiosity: is Morganite a Beryl-analogue from the Sailor V manga,
or is she original to this?

> "JADEITE!" Beryl snapped. "Now that my dear sister's incompetence has
> exposed us, we must begin gathering energy for our defence. I entrust this
> task to you. Work quickly, and work in secret--do not allow the Princess or
> her Senshi to interfere. We must restore our fallen Master!"
> 
> A man who had been standing in the shadows bowed deeply, clenching one
> white-gloved fist to the breast of his iron grey jacket. His blonde hair
> gleamed in the dim light of the throne chamber. "Hai, Queen Beryl-sama."
> With that, he vanished in a pulse of darkness.

"I shall replace the owner of a jewelry store with an energy-draining
youma!  There's no way the Senshi could possibly uncover my plan.
Unless the owner's daughter's best friend happens to be the Princess,
but that would  just be silly."

More minimally useful comments to follow once I've read chapter three...

-- 
           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/