[FFML] [C&C] Re: [fanfic][Sailormoon] Moonshadow, chapter one

[Aaron Nowack]

Some C&C that's a little less belated than my C&C usually is...

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
> NOTES:
> 
> This was originally released under a different title four years ago.

And I think I vaguely remember it, though I don't recall what the title was.

> This is a reworking of the core concept of the series, much like the PGSM
> live-action series which inspired it.
> 
> Warning: Mature content and strong language.

Roger and roger.

> Hunger sated for now, she moved on...for she had much, much bigger prey to
> stalk.
> 
> And there would be far worse in store for her than an empty stomach if she
> failed the hunt.

Hmm.  Luna, I presume.

> "But I don't want to be here at ALL, Timothy!" Mina cried angrily, slamming
> a fist on the rail. "Why couldn't she have let me board in England and
> attend a public? Or send me to the American base? Anything would've been
> better than THIS!" She gestured expansively. "I don't like Japan." She
> sniffled and leaned into the older man's chest.

The anime never really took advantage of or explored Minako's past, did
it?  I mean, beyond those one or two episodes in the first season, I
don't think her being Sailor V or having lived in England ever really
got mentioned.

> "No, love," Timothy replied, holding her close. "You know that you're the
> most important thing in the world to me. I'd be here even if it meant losing
> my job and living out of bins."

Timothy (aside):  ...she can't check that, right?

> She nodded and pocketed the card. "I have to go now. Mum's probably taking a
> fit."

"taking a fit"?  British-ism?

> "Well then," the girl's father said, his tone now far more casual and
> relaxed, "why don't you two go get to know each other without us
> interfering?"
> 
> Mamoru stood bolt upright, posture stiff, fists clenched. Usagi carefully,
> somewhat unsteadily rose to her feet, bowed to both her parents and
> Mamoru's, then glanced at her new fiance briefly before casting her eyes
> away. "Please follow me," she said softly. The older boy followed without a
> word.

Interesting set-up for their relationship.

> "What are your dreams?"
> 
> Usagi blinked. "Eh?"
> 
> "Your dreams. Your desires. What is it you want out of life?"
> 
> The unexpected question threw Usagi for a loop. "Ano...eto..." She sat down
> on her bed, smoothing out her kimono as she did so, and gazed upward
> thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, the one thing I've always wanted was to be
> a bride, and to have a beautiful wedding."

Sadly, canon.  Usagi really was spectacularly shallow at the beginning...

> Mamoru scowled at her. "Your entire life's ambition is to have a wedding?"
> 
> Usagi thought about that for a minute. "Yeah..."
> 
> Mamoru clenched his fists so tightly his knuckles turned white, and his
> shoulders shook with anger. "Useless. You're..." He looked suddenly up at
> Usagi, eyes angry and cold. "You're utterly useless!"

Twu luv.

> Mamoru turned away from her and gazed out the window. "There is more to my
> destiny than an empty-headed girl such as you could possibly imagine."

Heh.

> Rei blinked down at her grandfather, then looked across the temple grounds.
> A small grey kitten lay curled up on the counter from which she sold charms
> to visitors. It yawned toothily.
> 
> "...that cat is possessed of a great evil, Ojiiue."

Nah, I'm pretty sure the youma-cat was fairly fat.

> Picking up a black pen, she carefully penned the name of her new favourite
> client into her notebook:
> 
> Timothy S. Arturo

Naughty boy.

> "It's no joke, and it's no comic book," Timothy replied. "I've learned to
> watch for the signs. I've become rather obsessed with this particular
> legend. The enemy that once laid waste to a dozen worlds has returned. Much
> weaker, yes. But they cannot be allowed to gain power." He eyed her
> intently. "That's where you come in."

A dozen.  Hmm.  Got the nine standard... count the Moon for ten... the
usual asteroid belt former planet, eleven... and Nemesis, twelve?

> The tour ended shortly thereafter; Mamoru returned to where he had parked
> his motorcycle and checked it to make sure nothing had been stolen. He
> mounted the bike and raced across town, stopping fifteen minutes later on a
> bridge overlooking a sizeable park with a lake in the centre. He leaned his
> bike against the railing and frowned. "It might be--I might have found it
> this time. The maboroshi no ginzuishou..."

Hrm.  I'd probably capitalize "maboroshi no ginzuishou," but of course
that's only a suggestion.
> "Hey, boss? You did say 441, right?"
> 
> "Yeah, why?"
> 
> 
> The white-coated morgue worker looked up from an empty metal drawer, eyes
> wide. "Nobody's home."

Ominous.

Also, I get an extra newline there.  Could be on my end, though.

> "Yeah, wh--" Hiroshi's eyes widened. He scanned his clipboard, then raced
> down the row of drawers, located the one he was looking for, and yanked it
> open.
> 
> 
> It was empty.

And again.

> Feeling the need for a break, she bought a cold juice from a vending machine
> and leaned against the wall of a shop that sold rocks and things. She
> watched people pass by as she sipped her juice, enjoying the
> not-terribly-unpleasant evening breeze. A few cars passed, and there was a g
> uy on a motorcycle over there.

I see "guy" broken up by a newline.

> A huge, black, very mean-looking panther, with a nasty scabbed-over cut on
> its forehead and burning red eyes.
> 
> Literally burning--its eyes were crimson flames.
> 
> "I've found you at last, Princess Serenity," the panther rumbled in a deep,
> throaty female voice, fangs glistening.
> 
> Usagi screamed.

Perfectly natural reaction...


Well, not much in the way of _useful_ comments from me, I suppose, but
oh well.  It's an interesting start, and of course very well-written.
Now, on to the next chapter...

-- 
           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/