[FFML] [fanfic][Sailormoon][dark][lemon] Moonshadow, chapter three (draft)

[H. Torrance Griffin]

Well done, but far from happyjoyjoy readng.  I do salute the Lurker on this
one, but it reads like an 'Ultimates' version of Sailor Moon.

HTG

--- Angus MacSpon <macspon at ihug.co.nz> wrote:

> So, what, nobody's got anything to say about this series?  I know  
> *I've* been enjoying it.
> 
> (Lurker, you say this is a reworking of a story from a few years  
> back.  I must have missed it then; don't know why.  I know I'm glad  
> to have seen it this time around.)
> 
> A few points that occurred to me on a first reading of this chapter:
> 
> 
> > A block from the house, the plain, unassuming Japanese features of the
> > policeman blurred and shifted, becoming those of a white-haired  
> > gaijin.
> > Timothy snorted. "That was easy. Foolish woman. Entirely too  
> > Japanese for
> > her own good."
> 
> I have been quite enjoying this incarnation of Artemis.  A refreshing  
> change. :)
> 
> 
> > No amount of soap or water would be able to scrub the taint and  
> > filth of
> > violation from her soul, she knew, but at least cleaning her body  
> > would make
> > her feel a little better.
> 
> [...]
> 
> > The hot, stinging downpour of the shower pelted on Ami's bare skin,  
> > washing
> > the sweat and bitter tears from her body and face. But no amount of  
> > heat, no
> > amount of water, could wash away the memory of the rough hands on  
> > her body,
> > the humiliation and shame of the violation she had suffered...
> 
> You're repeating yourself with the "no amount of..." phrase.
> 
> 
> > "What's left of..." Usagi trailed off. She racked her brains for a  
> > moment;
> > liquid nitrogen--where had she heard of that?
> >
> > "He was frozen solid. Chemically. And then..." Umino gestured with his
> > hands. "Shattered."
> 
> This is a cliche that bothers me.  Why do people always get shown  
> shattering after they get frozen solid?  I really, really doubt that  
> it would actually happen.  If you drop a chunk of frozen meat on the  
> floor, it doesn't shatter, does it?
> 
> True, some materials do get brittle at very low temperatures.  But  
> the human body is 98% water (or some such figure), and I believe ice  
> just gets harder as the temperature drops.  I suppose that some  
> extremities -- fingers, even an arm -- might break off if a deep- 
> frozen human fell to the floor, but I'm fairly sure that the body  
> would be mostly intact.  Until, y'know, it thawed. :)
> 
> 
> > The cat, who had remained silent and unnoticed to this point, leapt  
> > down to
> > join them. Her eyes flared, and a ring of crimson fire burned  
> > briefly on the
> > floor before Ami. When it faded, leaving no scorch marks, a simple,  
> > narrow
> > bracelet of gleaming blue metal lay on the carpet. Luna fixed her  
> > burning
> > crimson eyes on the shocked girl. "This Mercury Item is your  
> > birthright,"
> > she said. "Place this on your wrist. It will allow you to become a  
> > Senshi."
> 
> Mercury ... *Item*?  I'm sorry, but that's a really ... flat name.
> 
> 
> Anyway.  Beyond these minor points -- as I said, I'm enjoying this a  
> lot.  Hope you continue this one.
> 
> Cheers,
> Angus
> 
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Angus MacSpon                                  Email: macspon at ihug.co.nz
> ICQ: 65719513                          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/
> 
> 
> 
> 
> --- 
>          .-------Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List--------.
>          |   Administrators - ffml-admins at chez-vrolet.net   |
>          |   Unsubscribing - ffml-request at chez-vrolet.net   |
>          |         Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject         |
>          `------------ FAQ URL coming soon.... -------------'
> 



       
____________________________________________________________________________________
Need a vacation? Get great deals
to amazing places on Yahoo! Travel.
http://travel.yahoo.com/