[FFML] [fanfic][Sailormoon][dark][lemon] Moonshadow, chapter three (draft)

[Angus MacSpon]

So, what, nobody's got anything to say about this series?  I know  
*I've* been enjoying it.

(Lurker, you say this is a reworking of a story from a few years  
back.  I must have missed it then; don't know why.  I know I'm glad  
to have seen it this time around.)

A few points that occurred to me on a first reading of this chapter:


> A block from the house, the plain, unassuming Japanese features of the
> policeman blurred and shifted, becoming those of a white-haired  
> gaijin.
> Timothy snorted. "That was easy. Foolish woman. Entirely too  
> Japanese for
> her own good."

I have been quite enjoying this incarnation of Artemis.  A refreshing  
change. :)


> No amount of soap or water would be able to scrub the taint and  
> filth of
> violation from her soul, she knew, but at least cleaning her body  
> would make
> her feel a little better.

[...]

> The hot, stinging downpour of the shower pelted on Ami's bare skin,  
> washing
> the sweat and bitter tears from her body and face. But no amount of  
> heat, no
> amount of water, could wash away the memory of the rough hands on  
> her body,
> the humiliation and shame of the violation she had suffered...

You're repeating yourself with the "no amount of..." phrase.


> "What's left of..." Usagi trailed off. She racked her brains for a  
> moment;
> liquid nitrogen--where had she heard of that?
>
> "He was frozen solid. Chemically. And then..." Umino gestured with his
> hands. "Shattered."

This is a cliche that bothers me.  Why do people always get shown  
shattering after they get frozen solid?  I really, really doubt that  
it would actually happen.  If you drop a chunk of frozen meat on the  
floor, it doesn't shatter, does it?

True, some materials do get brittle at very low temperatures.  But  
the human body is 98% water (or some such figure), and I believe ice  
just gets harder as the temperature drops.  I suppose that some  
extremities -- fingers, even an arm -- might break off if a deep- 
frozen human fell to the floor, but I'm fairly sure that the body  
would be mostly intact.  Until, y'know, it thawed. :)


> The cat, who had remained silent and unnoticed to this point, leapt  
> down to
> join them. Her eyes flared, and a ring of crimson fire burned  
> briefly on the
> floor before Ami. When it faded, leaving no scorch marks, a simple,  
> narrow
> bracelet of gleaming blue metal lay on the carpet. Luna fixed her  
> burning
> crimson eyes on the shocked girl. "This Mercury Item is your  
> birthright,"
> she said. "Place this on your wrist. It will allow you to become a  
> Senshi."

Mercury ... *Item*?  I'm sorry, but that's a really ... flat name.


Anyway.  Beyond these minor points -- as I said, I'm enjoying this a  
lot.  Hope you continue this one.

Cheers,
Angus

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon                                  Email: macspon at ihug.co.nz
ICQ: 65719513                          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/