[FFML] [C&C][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 13: Mission...

[Jared Waddell]

Sweet! I've been missing this story. I just have one real comment:

> "Ino?" Yamanaka Inoichi interrupted, clearing his throat. Though he
> was nearly pretty enough to be Ino's mother, with his long, wavy blond
> hair and flower-patterned shop apron, the semi-retired ninja behind
> the counter wore a look that almost screamed, 'aAaaAAH!' -an
> expression of terror common to fathers everywhere. "I can close up
> here, if you two want to go out," he suggested somewhat desperately.

This is just really hard to read. The run-on sentence works, but only if
you read it about three times. If you have to read it more than once,
most readers just skip it. I can't think of a solution at the moment, and
if you can't either, just leave it. It says what needs to be said, it's
just very hard to follow.

Later,

Rick "no longer in anyone's graces" Spiff


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