[FFML] [Fanfic][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 13: Mission...

[Chris Nasipak]

At 12:45 AM 8/10/2007, you wrote:
>While you're waiting for the fire to start raining from the sky,
>though, perhaps you would care to take a look at this shiny,
>candy-coated harbinger of the apocalypse? As i said last chapter, this
>chapter has another _huge_ new scene in it. For the folks who've read
>this before, it should immediately hit you in the face like one of the
>afforementioned burning chunks of heavenly wrath, and the new scene
>introduces some _really_ important stuff this time, so i would
>sincerely appreciate your input. Aaaaand, as always, it would be great
>to hear any other comments, criticism or speculations you folks have,
>so please tell me what you think!

Definitely damn good to see more of this fic. Looking damn good.

However, it feels... jarring... to go straight from the new scene to 
the Kurenai bits. There's no discussion of what happened, no 
aftermath, no explanation... sure, we can assume Sakura makes her 
report off-screen, but it'd be nice to have a feel for how Yoshinari 
reacts to it, what his initial theory is, and Temari's condition... 
just cutting from there to her 'office' (where Kurenai is apparently 
waking her up from another 'accident') is a huge switch in tone and pace.


-- 
"Here is the price of freedom: Your every drop of courage,
ounce of pain, pint of blood. Paid in advance."  -- Andromeda