[FFML] [C&C] Errata for "Lonely Souls" prologue A-side

[The Eternal Lost Lurker]

> A facial shot of a teenage man, nearly a year older than _she_.

older than _her_ is grammatically correct.

> "Yes," she breathed out, _she_ closing her eyes

This "she" is unnecessary and should be deleted. This error is repeated
throughout the text with various pronouns.

> Remembering that, Ataru grimaced as he _turns_

Tense error.

> *Baka a-ho

First off, it's not necessary to use 'baka' AND 'ahou', since they mean the
exact same thing. Secondly, I'm not sure exactly why you chose to
transliterate 'ahou' that way, but...it's very nonstandard.

> "DARLING!" Lum cried out, _she_ leaping up to fly

Again, an extraneous pronoun.

> Tampopo and Ten watched as the stranger, her hood

> drawn away from her head as she carried a dazed

> Ataru from the washrooms.

The above needs to be corrected to read in one of the following ways:

"Tampopo and Ten watched as the stranger, her hood drawn away from her head,
carried a dazed Ataru from the washrooms."

OR

"Tampopo and Ten watched the stranger, her hood drawn away from her head, as
she carried a dazed Ataru from the washrooms."

> His eyes opened, he finding himself gazing at the

> ceiling of Tampopo's restaurant.

The first half of this sentence needs to be dragged out back and shot. Try
this:

"Opening his eyes, he found himself gazing at the ceiling of Tampopo's
restaurant."

> An exasperated sigh then escaped him, _he_ shaking his head

Again, an unneeded pronoun.

> His eyes were closed, _he_ still having

And again.

> Ten seemed lost, _he_ hovering close to Lum.

And again.


> first apartment, _it_ located beside a storeroom.

Once again, an unneeded, grammatically incorrect pronoun.

>Ataru moaned, _he_ presently finding himself

And again.

> Karen, Kaho and Sakuya were close, _they_ sitting

And yet again.

> bob-curled at her shoulders, _that_ held down

Another unneeded pronoun.

> painted on it, _it_ wrapped over

Again.

> and more crinoline lace trimming _that_ you

Should be 'than', not 'that'

> the table, _she_ then somersaulting

And again with the pronouns.

> an annoyed look, _she_ waving to the

And again.

> Shirayuki headed into the kitchen, _that_ located

Replace "that" with "which was"

> It is the middle of the night.

Tense error.

The grammatical nitpicks finished, I will make a comment on the content
itself:

Everything from the introduction of Negako onward is a mess of unnecessarily
convoluted plot contrivance. When you attempt a story of this nature, you
should use characterisation and drama to create the situation, not tens of
pages of completely non-credible contrivance.



More commentary to come as I have the time.



================================
This is a test of the Emergency Ass Dance System.
              ~~*~~
The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com