[FFML] [Naruto] One Hundred Days - Chapter Sixteen: The Hundredth Day

[Eimii]

> >>       Naruto's eyes flicked between the two blood-and-chakra foxes
> >
> > Yet another instance of 'flicked'...
>
> Bleh.  I've mentioned word re-use as one of my flaws, and the fact that
> the latter half of this chapter was written in small fragments didn't
> help.  Thanks for catching these.

Heh, no problem. I'm obsessive about stuff like that, and i constantly
go through my own work to make sure i'm varying the word choice,
sentence structure and paragraph structure. It really slows down my
writing, though, and i'm unfortunately not very well-read or eloquent,
so my choices often somewhat limited. I like to tell myself that this
makes my writing 'easier to read,' but -_-;...

>
> >> that slowly advanced on him.  The foul water beneath his feet stirred,
> >> disturbed by the power still emanating from the massive gates before
> >> Naruto.  Behind those gates, the immense bulk of the demon fox Kyuubi
> >> waited, its anticipation filling the still, warm air like a physical
> >> presence.
> >
> > What sort of physical presence? I would have to think that
> > anticipation would have a different feel from, say, menace...
>
> Hmm.  Good point; any wording suggestions?
>

Hmm... that's a hard one, since i'm really not that perceptive; i
couldn't read the mood of a room if my life depended on it ^_^;,
but... i suppose if the atmosphere were pregnant with anticipation,
there might be a sense of being 'on the verge' of something, like a
coiled spring; a sense that things are about to start happening, or
something is being held back. You have to work with the 'fluid'
imagery of the air, though. One might say something like, "its
anticipation filling the warm air like the tips of a thousand needles
dancing on his skin," but that might not be a very 'Naruto' simile.


> > That statement rings kind of odd, unless it just means 'through the
> > gate,' as the other fox ran off through the corridors. If it means
> > 'Through me' with 'me' referring to the Kyuubi, then why would it need
> > the 'for me as well' part? If it means 'the only way out for one is
> > through the other'... it still makes the two-tailed fox's exit seem a
> > bit odd. If it means different things at different times, then...
> > <shrug>
>
> The only way out is by getting past the other, pretty much.  It's a
> representation of the fact that they both have some control over the seal.

Aah...

>
> > Also, i suppose this isn't the only way out anymore for Kyuubi...
>
> Not sure what you mean here.

Well, if the seal is weakening, then really the Kyuubi may not need to
fight past Naruto anymore if it can resign itself to waiting for the
inevitable...

> >>       "If I... if we didn't mean anything to you," Sakura said,
> >> "wouldn't you kill me anyway?"
> >>       Sasuke snorted.  "You're more valuable alive as fodder for
> >> Kabuto's experiments."
> >>       "Experi-" If Sakura's blood had been chilled before, it was
> >> freezing now.
> >
> > If it's just a threat, then i guess it's just a threat, but if he
> > actually believes that she'd be useful to Kabuto, and that's why he
> > hasn't killed her yet... his reasoning is a bit odd O_o;. It's hard to
> > picture him sparing her just for Kabuto, when killing her would be a
> > pretty 'final' way of breaking his old ties, and his esteem of her is
> > so low that one has to wonder how he thinks she could be useful...
>
> He thinks turning her over to Kabuto would be worse than killing her,
> and has convinced himself that doing that instead shows that he's broken
> his bonds more thoroughly.

I see... but not killing her could just as easily be construed as
weakness, because Kabuto's whims are pretty inscrutable, and not
everyone he and orochimaru experiment on ends up dead or worse. It
seems entirely possible that Sakura might even be considered better
'breeing stock' for Sasuke that Midori or Tayuya, because she'd be, in
some sense, willing, she has at least the potential to develop a
doujutsu bloodline, and she has good enough chakra control to be
chosen as Tsunade's apprentice. Sasuke is already pretty upset that
Itachi is more interested in Naruto than him; i'm not sure how he'd
react if Kabuto or Orochimaru actually showed enough interest in
Sakura to spare her...

But Sasuke is just a dumb, obsessive kid, and probably doesn't think
these things out very thoroughly ^_^;...

>
> >>       Sakura kept on moving, and almost managed to hit Sasuke with her
> >> kunai, but he batted the blow aside.  A palm-strike forced the kunoichi
> >> back, and Sasuke snorted.  "Clever.  Using that technique to cloak a
> >> replication, then hiding yourself in the replication's image."
> >
> > Buh? Were there one or two replications here? Also, doesn't he
> > precious sharingan just sweep away all genjutsu?
>
> I need to come up with a better way to word it, but what happens is that
> Sakura creates a Perfect Replication, uses the Displacement Technique to
> make the replication appear to be slightly to one of side of where it
> "really" is (to the extent that a genjutsu is really anywhere), then
> stands exactly where the replication appears to be.
>
> Sasuke's Sharingan sees through the Displacement Technique, and he's
> contemptuous enough of her that he doesn't look more closely at first.


Hmm... but wouldn't he still see the real Sakura's chakra? Also, if
the displacement technique makes the illusion appear to be elsewhere,
then wouldn't the illusion 'actually' be elsewhere, as it's all in
Sasuke's mind anyhow? I guess 'layering' genjutsu is canon, but it
seems to me that the reason the Sharingan and Byakugan are 'immune' to
genjutsu illusions is because they can see chakra, therefore adding a
layer of perception that most genjutsu users don't know how to
compensate for.

>
> >>       Sasuke parried the punch with a perfect block.  "Leaf Shadow
> >> Dance," he observed, then blocked another attack.  "Trying to use my own
> >> technique against me?  Foolish."  He caught Sakura's next blow, and
> >
> > It's not his, though, it's Gai's ^_^;... Man, he's getting a big head, lately...
>
> He's referring to the Lion Combo that the Leaf Shadow Dance sets up.

Sakura hadn't started attacking yet, though, and does he know that she
performed a modified Lion Combo during her fight with Neji? Hmm... i
guess he can see her moves a few steps ahead, though, so if that's
actually what she was about start doing...

> > I suppose i should say that this feels... unfinished. Things did come
> > to a head, but it wasn't really a very strong climax to the story. It
> > also went a little flat with regard to Sakura's relationships to the
> > people that made her who she is by the end (Anko, her mother, Ren,
> > Midori). I suppose that should be expected, to an extent, as things
> > really _aren't_ finished, but still... not your best chapter, but i
> > still enjoyed it ^_^;...
>
> Yeah.  That's what I woried about, more or less.  It sounded better in
> outline/concept form, but I don't think it came together in as
> satisfying an ending as it should have.
>
> Not quite sure how to fix it, though, but I'll see what comes to me when
> I'm revising.

I'm not really sure how to fix it either. Naruto's important people
are all elsewhere, so there's really no way to better resolve his
story unless you want to delve into his mind a bit as he fight Sasuke
and the Kyuubi, to show how his experiences have changed him.

Most of Sakura's important people are present, though, so she could
probably be a little more emotionally involved. She's got a lot of
connections that she didn't have before; she's connected to Homura, to
Tsunade, to Midori, to Ren, to the Mist, to Anko, to the snakes (and
by extension, the other snake-users). She's killed her own mother, an
aunt that she never knew she had tried to kill _her_, her cousin is
still trying to kill her (incidentally, Midori is now one of sakura's
closest living relatives), she's friends with a girl who is
technically her enemy...

I suppose, as ninja, it would probably be best if they could just
sweep all of this under the rug when they need to in order to
function, but the fact remains that Naruto and Sakura are collecting
bonds faster than Sasuke can cut his, and a central theme is that
those bonds make them stronger, not weaker (as Sasuke would claim).
Doing things to emphasize that might help...

>
> > That said, hopefully you got something useful from my inane ramblings,
> > this time around. Now, on to the Epilogue!
>
> Thank you very much for the C&C!

Again, i hope that something i had to say managed to help you, somehow ^_^;...

~Eimii