[FFML] [R.5/AMS]Goddess Fayu 02 - A Family History

[Brian Randall]

Once more to the C&C mines....

Disclaimers:

I've never read this fic before.  My advice is occasionally worthless,
please feel free to ignore it if it doesn't suit you.  Uhm....  That
should cover us for now, I suppose?

On 7/5/07, Timothy Groves <groves_ca at yahoo.co.uk> wrote:
> *Disclaimer*
>
> All characters from Ranma 1/2 were created by Takahashi Rumiko, not me.
> Rights to such are owned by Takahashi-sama, Shounen Sunday Comics, Kitty
> Video, and (in North America) Viz.
>
> Urd, Skuld and Verdandi are mythological.  But the interpretations of
> them within this fanfic are the work Fujishima Kosuke, not me.  Rights
> to such are owned by Kodansha, AIC, ADV Films and (in North America)
> AnimEigo and Dark Horse Comics.

Good on you for remembering; I worry when people don't.

> Goddess Fayu
>
> Written By Tail Kinker

Hum.  I should know you, I think, but must admit that my memory fails
me at this late hour....  Apologies!

> Keiichi blinked.  This was the first time that Urd had shown any
> interest in electronics more complex than a television.  "Be my guest."
> He stood, stretched the kink out of his back, and stepped back.  "What
> sort of family business?"

Repetition of 'back'.  Perhaps 'away' for the second instance?

> The modem chirped, and rapidly dialled a long sequence.  Keiichi blinked.

dialled -- dialed

> His eyes bugged.  "That's only a fifty-six kay modem!"

kay -- K (though, this is entirely a point of preference)

> "That's all right.  I just need one file."  She selected it, and started
> the download, then leaned back.

The comma before 'and' is not necessary.

> "Company...Bell's family?"

I'd think you want to put a space after the ellipses.

> "Another Goddess...Don't we have enough already?"

Same comment on ellipses.

> "Some would argue that we have too many," smirked Urd.

'smirked' is not actually a speech indicator.

> Nabiki looked around the room.  "Nice.  When you said 'temple', I
> assumed that it was gonna be all stone, drafty, and in bad repair."

Nabiki as a goddess?  No good can come of this.

> "No."  Belldandy's smile took on another cast, one that Nabiki had seen
> once or twice on Kasumi.  "My Keiichi is wonderful with electronics and
> machinery.  That television had been cast aside callously by its former
> master, because it was not showing its colours properly.  Keiichi taught
> it to do better, and now, out of gratitude, it serves us."

UK spelling?

> Bell turned towards her, and smiled.  "This is Keiichi-sama.  I am his,
> by my contract, but I would stay with him even if I were not."

That sounds like Belldandy, alright.

> "Of course.  Your divine name is that which the Gods and Goddesses will
> use, though;  you should grow used to it."

I don't think you want to follow the semi-colon with a double-space.

> "Sure.  I'm just not ready to give up my mortality one hundred
> percent."  She turned back to the young man.  "Keiichi, I would be
> pleased if you would call me Nabiki."

My, that's certainly formal of Nabs.

> "The realm with which you are concerned."  Urd walked over to the table,
> and sat down.  "It seems that our family finally has a patron Goddess of
> Wealth."

Well, if she were a demon, I'd say Greed....

> "The temple is quite large, and we have three rooms not currently being
> used."  Keiichi opened a door, and stepped back.  "If this one suits
> you, you can use it."

Really?  I was under the impression that all the rooms were taken.  I
seem to recall someone ... Chan Wei Lik, I think, mentioning that
Belldandy even slept in the dining-room/kitchen.

> "No, though she did try hitting one me a couple of times as well.  There
> were, before your arrival, four Goddesses living here.  You've made it
> five."

one -- on

> "We can get some of your stuff from your old room, I think that Bell
> would be happy to help you with that.  I can't go, unless you keep water
> in your room."

I'd replace that first comma with a semi-colon.

> "Yes.  Bell can travel using a few different media, but prefers
> mirrors;  Urd can only travel through televisions."

Same comment on spacing with regards to the semi-colon.

> "Time passes differently in Asgard than it does here on Midgard."  Bell
> lifted the lid of the teapot, and poured a cup.  "Sometimes it runs at
> the same speed, sometimes faster, sometimes slower."

Ah, the convenience of TIME KOMPRESSION.

> "I only remember fifteen years of my past," said Skuld.  "From the day I
> was born - yes, I remember that - to today.  But a lot of that time was
> spent in Asgard."

Would Skuld realize the importance of stressing that bit about her
memory to a mortal?

> "I can teleport.  And I have learned to..."  She looked a bit
> embarassed.  "I can cause writing to appear on things.  Mostly, I only
> use it when I'm mad, to label someone - usually Urd - an idiot."

embarassed -- embarrassed

> She managed to get her laughter "More and more, you guys remind me of my
> mortal sisters."  She chuckled.

get her laughter....?  Seems like some words and punctuation are missing, here.

> Bell hesistated.  "I would love to meet my other sisters, but..."  She
> sighed.  "I fear that this would not be wise."

hesistated -- hesitated

> Bell continued to stare at her, and she sighed.  "All right, Belldandy.
> I promise."

Does 'she' reference Belldandy, or Nabiki (the last 'her' referenced)?
 Might want to reword.

> Atop the roof, Peorth scowled.
>
> "Humiliate me, will you, Fayu?"
>
> She shook her fist at the heavens.
>
> "I will make you pay!"

Hum.  Well.

On the downside: This was, honestly, a bit dull.  Not much action,
though I suppose the exposition was required to move the story
forward.

On the upside: Grammar and spelling seem very solid, characterizations
seem to be on spot, too.

On the whole: It seems like you know what you're doing.  I'm not sure
this fic is really my speed, but good work.

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.