[FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma][OMG] Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 5, Who ya gonna call?

[Brian Randall]

This seems familiar, for some reason....

Okay, once more unto the breach.  As always:

My comments and opinions are just that; take what's useful, ignore
what isn't.  Also, don't assume I'm always right, because I'm not.
And assume some sort of catch boilerplate advertising the EULA of
this, etc.

Now, on with the comments.

On 7/1/07, Rebecca Heineman <burgerbecky7 at yahoo.com> wrote:
> Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 5, Who ya gonna call?
>
> Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess
> characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke. Other characters appearing in
> this chapter are owned by their respective property holders.
>
> By Rebecca Ann Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental
> Goddess" by Sinom Bre.

Speaking of which....  Where is he, these days?

> I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or keep me away
> from the premiere episode of "Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon".

Conveniently, I happen to have a button for that last thing.  I left
it in the past, though, where it would be more applicable.

> The street lights lazily moved by the windows of the unmarked police car as
> it drove down the narrow streets of the Nerima ward of Tokyo. The full moon
> shown brightly, adding to the eerie illumination of the neon glow of the
> city lights. Detective Miyashi scribbled another mark in his notepad as he
> slid another piece of the puzzle into place. He bit the eraser at the end of
> his pencil in thought, shaking his head slowly in frustration. "This case
> doesn't add up."

shown -- shone

Also, two 'of the' in rapid succession.  Scans a bit jarringly; any
way to smooth that out?

Also, two instances of 'another' in the following paragraph (I'd
replace the first with 'a').

> Officer Narita gently applied the brakes, slowing the car as they came to a
> red light. A single pedestrian crossed in front of the car as they waited
> for the light to change. He gave out a soft laugh. "It's Nerima, nothing
> adds up around here. Rumors have it that they've got people who can change
> into animals. Can you believe it?"

Narita?  He's named after the airport?

Repetition of 'car', also (I'm going to warn upfront that I'm terribly
picky about repetition; I don't need to be heeded when I complain
about it (or anything else!)).  I'd use 'vehicle' for the second
instance, or just shorten 'the car' into 'them' (since we know the
officers are in the car).

> "What sort of an attitude is that?" Asked the detective as he pulled out the
> rubber end of the pencil from between his lips. "What's it with you people?
> It was nothing like this in Yokohama. We took capital crimes seriously.
> People changing into animals, hah! Next you'll be telling me that people can
> fall four floors without getting hurt."

Asked does not need to be capitalized (and in fact, in this instance,
should not be).

For the second line of dialog, I'd drop 'it'.

Mmm.  Delicious foreshadowing.

> "Wackos... Heh, I can see what's going on. The Shiratori's and the Kuno's
> probably bought the main police force off, but I'm not someone you can
> bribe. I'll get to the bottom of this."

The apostrophe following a name indicates a possessive.  I think you
meant to omit them, and pluralize the family name.  Some people will
also tell you that the plural of a Japanese name is identical to the
singular, so you don't need an 's' at all.  I'll leave you to decide
how much Japanese culture should outweigh English language for
yourself. :p

Also, for kicks, you could throw in 'Mishima' (Nuku-Nuku), and Mendo
(Urutsei Yatsura), for other wealthy families in the Nerima area. ;)

> "Beg pardon?" Turning his head to his subordinate, he continued. "I've got a
> dead body, massive property damage, a trucking company who's looking for
> someone to sue and no one seems to care anything about it." Recalling the
> celebration the office ladies held in the back room of the police station,
> it made the detective even more curious about the circumstances surrounding
> the old man's death. "It seems that everyone wanted to sweep this case under
> the rug."

continued. "I've -- continued, "I've

I'd also put a comma after 'sue'.

> "Sometimes, it's best to just not ask questions. Ah, here we are." The
> driver slowed the car to a stop about a block away from the Tendo's home.
> The street was jammed with parked cars, rickshaws and a beat up white hearse
> with a red police light on the center of its roof. He put the car in park,
> hit the emergency break and pulled the keys out then turned to his superior.
> "Look, it's not really my place to say, but I gotta warn you about that
> house."

Comma after rickshaws.

Is that the Ghostbusters car?

Comma after 'then' (last sentence without dialog), I think.

> "About what?" He pointed to the home ahead, an orange flickering light came
> from the other side of the compound wall. "Are they the Japanese Mafia?"

I'd replace that comma with a semi-colon; you're linking two related
but separate sentences.

:D

> "I wish." Narita sighed. "At least then I know where I stood. You sure you
> want to question the kid now?"

Should that 'know' be a knew?  Or that 'stood' be a 'stand'?

> Snapping his notebook shut, the newly transferred detective from Yokohama
> unbuckled his seat belt and exited the vehicle. He walked toward the
> compound with purpose and conviction, worthy of an officer of the law.

I'd drop that last comma.

> Narita shook his head while carefully watching the detective walk off with
> morbid curiosity. "They always have to learn the hard way."

The location of the 'morbid curiosity' clause makes it look like it
could apply to either of the officers; I'd reword for clarity.

> Miyashi was almost at the front gate when he heard a woman scream from
> behind the compound wall, followed by shouts of terror. Years of police
> training kicked in as he drew his pistol and flattened himself against the
> stone wall. He took several quick steps until he reached the wooden gate and
> took a position just behind the entryway. He breathed deeply and was ready
> for anything that these criminals could throw at him. Keeping the safety of
> his pistol on to prevent an accidental discharge, he turned toward the open
> gate, aimed his weapon and...

Third sentence, repetition of took, also, a bit passive.  Maybe, "With
several quick steps, he reached the wooden gate and...."?

Now, he has time to aim, but not to see what he's aiming at?

Miyashi: "Z-targeting.  I don't even need to point at the screen!"

Hush, you.  At any rate, I'd suggest 'raised his firearm to take aim',
instead of 'aimed', but I'm probably being needlessly nitpicky.

> "Oh my!" Was all Kasumi could say before her eyes rolled up into her head
> and she fainted dead away at the sight of the little old man completely
> covered in fire. Akane rushed in and caught her older sister before she hit
> the floor.

Was does not need to be capitalized.  As a quick rundown, since I see
examples below, capitalization and commas should be used in the
following manner as far as dialog/prose leadins/leadouts.

When you link dialog into prose (which you do with any speech
descriptor, like 'said', or 'asked', or 'yelled', and (some will say),
even with non-speech verbs such as 'sighed' or 'coughed', or 'smiled'
(ugh)), then the sentence can be considered to begin with the first
part of the dialog, OR the prose.  However, either way, the first part
of someone's dialog should always be capitalized if it's beginning a
spoken sentence.

That was a poor explanation, so let me provide some quick examples.

-Dialog, prose:

"I am pedantic in my delivery of grammatical information," the
commenter said snidely.

-Dialog, prose, dialog (note that because the dialog is all one
sentence, even with a break in it, the second bit is NOT capitalized).

"Your comments are fascinating," the comentee replied, smiling, "but
irrelevant."

-Prose, dialog.

Crushed, the commenter whined, "But, it's grammar!"

However, it is not necessary that all dialog have a speech indicator
and be linked in:
-Dialog.  Prose.  Dialog.

"Grammar is important."  The comentee agreed.  "But you still suck."

Ultimately, however, if you ARE using speech indicators like this one:

> "Master!" Cried Soun as he prostrated himself before the little smoldering
> pervert. Hiding his sorrow that the Master didn't stay dead by burying his
> face into the soft dirt, the elder Tendo begged for forgiveness. "I'm so
> happy to see that you're safe and sound."

You should link them correctly.  In this instance, just remove the
capitalization on 'cried'.  If you were double-spacing after
punctuation, then we could add an extra level of complication, but
that should cover your bases for the most part. ;)

> "Now that's how you're supposed to treat your Master, Tendo." The master of
> disaster snarled. "Don't think I don't know what you've been up to."
> Happosai leered at the rapidly thinning crowd, looking for anything to catch
> his lecherous eye. He turned his attention to the panda who was also bowing
> down before him. "Hey there, Saotome! Whatcha gotta to say for yourself?"

Tendo."  The -- Tendo," the

'gotta to'?  I thought 'gotta' was slang for 'got to', so there may be
an extraneous 'to', here.

> The panda raised a sign while maintaining the position of utter groveling.
> "Welcome back, Master!" He flipped the sign over, "I'm Mr. Panda, somebody
> else is Saotome."

Now, this prose lead-in is missing a speech indicator (as much as a
sign can have one, I suppose).  I'd replace that comma with a colon.

> "Now, that's the way I like it, my pupils." Happosai smiled over his two
> best students. They were the best because they were his only students and
> they knew exactly how to show proper respect to the Grand Master of the
> Anything Goes School of martial arts.

Happosai: "Fear is a KIND of respect!"

> Cologne twirled her cane in defense of an expected incoming attack. She
> threw a handful of wards at her former boyfriend from over three hundred
> years ago to prove her theory of why he was still alive. "You! Back to the
> pit from whence you came, foul creature!"

This would be an awesome spot for Cologne to have always suspected him
of being demonic in some way anyway. ;)

But it's still funny.

> Tentacles popped out of the little man's back and snatched the wards from
> the air. They all burst into flame on contact with the fleshy ropes leaving
> sparks and puffs of smoke in their wake. He reeled his vines back in pain.
> "Hey, that smarts."

I'd put a comma after 'ropes', but I don't think it's actually
required.  Also, should Happosai's comment be an exclamation?

> Cologne gasped in fright. "No! Not him! May the ancestors protect us!" She
> shouted to the table at the far side of the yard. "What are you waiting for?
> He's a demon! We've got to send him back to hell!"

yard.  "What -- yard, "What

> A girl with huge braided hoops in her hair jumped into the air, somersaulted
> and shouted a transformation phrase. "I hold no enmity against those coerced
> into evil... But to those vile beings who toy with the hearts and souls of
> men..." She added, "or women." For an instant, her clothes vanished, she
> twirled with her arms outstretched and landed wearing a red silk Chinese
> style long dress with a ying-yang symbol on her chest. "We, since the time
> of Ancient Gods, have been your destroyers. Now, the 108th generation Devil
> Hunter, Yohko, is here! Beware!" A long two handed sword appeared out of
> nowhere and she stood in a stance, ready to deliver a killing blow on the
> foul pervert. "Hiyaa!" She screamed as she brought the blade down to bear.

James: "No good can come of this."

> "P-pretty lady..." Happosai drooled at the moment he got a free show from
> the magical transformation. His survival instinct kicked in a moment before
> he was about to perform long division in a physical way, courtesy of a
> magical devil killing sword. He jumped and latched onto the two great mounds
> that called his name from behind the black and white symbol on the girl's
> chest. "Hotcha!"

Hehehe!  Clever prose, very nice. :3

> Yohko's hair became undone, popping out of its twin braids and it flowed
> down her back in a beautiful style blowing in the breeze. The girl gave out
> a primeval scream as the creature from hell touched her in just the wrong
> way. "ARGH! Get it off me!" She bashed the little freak with the hilt of her
> blade repeatedly, but it had no effect on him. Since that tactic didn't
> work, she reversed her sword and jammed the pointed end between herself and
> the gnome in an attempt to pry the little monster off. She wiggled her
> blade, twisting and turning it to get some sort of leverage, but the little
> man was attached to her breasts too tight and wouldn't let go.

Should that first 'and' be an 'as'?  Commage?

And she's lucky she doesn't hurt herself with that thing, all things considered.

> "Woo hoo! Babes!" Happosai lost interest in his current victim and bounded
> over to the newly transformed Devil Hunter Azusa. "Glad to see me?" He
> disappeared under the hem of her dress and crawled all over her body. The
> girl stood frozen as she was being violated, her spear falling out of her
> lifeless hand.

Might be funnier if he dismissed her as being too young ... but then
again, her tactic DID work....

> Ranko screamed out. "Get away from her you leach!" She pulled open her
> kimono and instantly Happosai appeared and shoved his head between her
> breasts. Ranko punched the little man into the ground, but he bounced off
> the soft earth and flew off.

out.  "Get -- out, "Get

Should that last 'off' be 'away'?  Or did Ranma actually rebound the
old letch into space (off the earth)? ;3

> Nodoka's flushed red in embarrasement. "Ranko! That's no way for a lady to
> fight!"

Missing 'face', I think, and 'embarrassment' instead of 'embarrasement'.

> Her mother spoke in a disapproving tone. "That wasn't very ladylike at all,
> you should let the others handle this."

tone. "That -- tone, "That

I'd also replace the comma in Nodoka's speech with a semi-colon.

> "Indeed, you need to keep out of this you harlot." The gymnast reached into
> her kimono and extracted a vial. She was about to pop open the cork when a
> tiny spatula flew by and shattered the glass. A cloud of green gas erupted
> and knocked Kodachi out cold.

this you harlot -- this, you harlot

Heehee....  Okay, well, my fanboy biases are swayed to joy by that.

Curse my easily distracted self. o_o

> "You owe me one, Ran-chan." Ukyou cried out then pulled out her large
> spatula. "Now what's he doing?"

Ran-chan." Ukyou -- Ran-chan," Ukyou

I'd also say you should put a comma before 'then'.  But that scans
passively; you might restate to: "cried out, before she pulled" or
"cried out, drawing her" (to reduce repetition of 'out').

> Gritting her teeth in anger, Yohko swung her sword at the top of Ukyou's
> head. The weapon made a loud clang as the flat of the blade made contact
> with her forehead instead of Happosai, who was nowhere to be seen. The girl
> fell backwards, out cold.

Which girl?  Ukyou, logically, but it seems a tad unclear.

> "Where did he go?" Yohko looked up, down and all around, searching for her
> target. Not once did she notice the freak sitting at the tip of her sword.
> The old man jumped down and once again put the squeeze on her breasts. "Woo
> hoo!"

No apology from Yohko about Ukyou?

Yohko: "Less competition."

I ... see.

> "Hold still! I'll stake him!" Buffy Summers, a young blond haired American
> girl, who had arrived from California, was told by her mentor Giles that
> this demon was no different from the countless ones she had dispatched as
> her role as a Slayer. She was going to have a talk with him once she went
> back to her hotel. She grabbed a wooden stake from her purse and jumped in
> front of Yohko as the Devil Hunter was rapidly loosing energy from
> Happosai's life force drain technique. A technique that required lots of
> hands on experience, touching, feeling... Well... You get the idea.

blond haired -- blonde (no, really)

loosing energy -- losing energy (Loosing is a form of loose.  Losing
is a form of loss.)

> Buffy picked just the right spot on the freak's back to impale him and
> raised her arm up to send the wooden dagger straight into his heart. She
> thrust her arm down and connected, striking the little pervert square in the
> spine.
>
> Except, Buffy's hand was empty at the time of the blow.

Hehehe!  Did she just smash her hand?

> "Looking for this?" Smiled the little freak as a tentacle, holding the
> stake, flew overhead. "Wanna do a threesome?" He lashed out two tentacles
> and groped the tall girl just under her breasts. He fondled her backside in
> a way that the Slayer would have nightmares for weeks. "That's the way I
> like it!"

'Smiled' isn't really a speech indicator, though if you want to use
it, you can.  Still, I would suggest restating, since that prose
doesn't quite lend itself to be lead into.

> Yohko couldn't take the drain anymore and fell backwards onto the ground,
> her sword clanging as it hit the earth. Buffy swung her arms around to knock
> the groping appendages away as the demon fell with Yohko downward. The
> Slayer did a backflip to get some distance and some time to think of a new
> plan.

with Yohko downward -- downward with Yohko (I think?)

> Standing at the wedding altar, wondering if he was going to get paid for his
> services tonight, Reverend Guido Sarducci adjusted his wide brimmed black
> hat and opened his bible to the proper page. "Ah... Yeah... This looks good.
> For a 2 for 1 special on Domino's Pizza, call 1-800... Wait a minute..." He
> tossed aside the bookmark. "Oh, yeah, that's better... Do you Ranma Saotome,
> take Akane Tendo..." He looked around the growing fracas. "Is Ranma Saotome
> here?"

Woah.  Scene-change?

> Ranko was in an attack stance waiting for an opening to send Happosai into
> la-la land. She skittered too and fro avoiding the tentacles that went in
> random directions. "I knew he wasn't dead. When did that little freak go to
> Jusenkyo?" She paused for a moment. "What spring did he fall into?"

And again?

too and fro -- to and fro

> "You got me." Answered Akane, who stood by Ranko's side. She wielded a very
> large mallet. "Don't you know?"

me."  Answered -- me," answered

'who stood by' scans flatly.  Maybe just reduce it to, "from"?

> "I've seen his tentacles and they don't look the ones from the Spring of
> Drowned Octopus, though he sure uses them like it." Ranko looked around,
> "Hey, where is Pantyhose anyway?"

around, "Hey -- around.  "Hey

> Pantyhose Taro appeared and punched Ranko in the head, "Stop calling me
> that!" He turned around in outrage. "How dare you lie to me Tendo!" He
> grabbed the collar of Soun's shirt. "You said he was dead!"

head, "Stop -- head.  "Stop

me Tendo -- me, Tendo (Commas before proper address.)

> Soun cried like a little girl.

What, it's Tuesday?

> In less than a second, Buffy figured out she was braless and there was a
> draft under her skirt. She grew angry and made a fist. "Why you little
> animal! Give those back!"

Really, one of these days, a demon/devil/etc-hunter is going to figure
out the miracle of pants.

> Akane pulled her mallet out of the ground and extracted the bra and panties
> from Happosai's limp hand. "Here you go Miss, you can go to the bathroom to
> change."

Comma before 'Miss' as well.

> Buffy grabbed her underwear in a huff. She stared down at the man imbedded
> into the crater on the ground. "I hope it's dead. Just what is that thing?
> Nevermind." She pulled out another stake from her purse. "Time to check
> out." She tried to stab the freak, but he moved aside while still
> unconscious. She plunged the stake down again, only for the foul beast to
> dodge without waking. "How in the world? Hold still!" She followed the
> rolling freak, trying to send it back to hell and it avoided every one of
> her strikes with ease.

imbedded -- embedded

> The plan would have worked had she been fighting a normal demon. The instant
> her blade was only ten centimeters from the freak's skull, he tapped the tip
> of the blade with his pipe with enough force to deflect it, leaving the poor
> girl in an intercept course to his groping hand.

in an -- on an (I think)

> Grope he did. Squeezing Azusa's breasts to suck out her energy and derive
> perverted pleasure for Happosai's enjoyment, the new demon revived
> instantly. "Sweeto!"

Gah....  He's unstoppable!

> The elder felt strange, as her years melted away and her height changed. Her
> hair went from a silver white and became a deep dark purple. Her long robe
> hung on her like a miniskirt and her skin became smooth like silk.

Well, this should be interesting.

> The elder's clothes changed into a silk cheogsam that barely went a few
> centimeters below her crotch. Her nails grew and were colored a deep purple
> to match her hair. Makeup adorned her face and sparkling earrings appeared.
> "Shampoo, we must leave, now."

Hum.  The first sentence seems close to being explicit, considering
how the rest of the fic is only venturing (vaguely) into lime
territory.  Speaking of which, I don't think this one was tagged...?
At any rate.  I'd suggest rewording to something like, "barely managed
to preserve modesty", but then, I'm a total prude, so....

> Shampoo nodded. A second later, both women disappeared over the wall. Mousse
> ran after them but ran straight into the rear of the Tendo home.

Repetition of 'ran'.  I'd replace the first with 'rushed'.

> As Happosai stood dumbfounded, his tongue sticking out dripping drool, a
> group of four men got up from the far table. All of them were wearing grey
> jumpsuits and had strange scientfic equipment strapped to their backs. In
> holsters, they each had a large object that somewhat resembled a nozzle from
> a gasoline pump. This nozzle was attached to a thick hose that connected to
> their backpacks. An insignia adorned the men's shoulder. The patch was that
> of a white cartoon ghost inside of a red circle with a red slash though it.

gray

scientific

Ah, yes.  My good childhood friends, the Ghostbusters.  This should be
hilarious.

> Happosai looked perplexed at the four strangely uniformed men. "The who?"

Happosai: "Didn't they do that musical about the kid who played pinball?"

> Kasumi picked up a board and a hammer and nails. "Now?"
>
> Nabiki replied. "Later."

Heh.

> The little demon rubbed his chin in deep thought, "I don't see any marks on
> his face, his aura is unremarkable and he does seem to be cocky enough to be
> one of those goody-goodies." He thought of his new place in the universe and
> knew deep down that gods and goddesses were his mortal enemies. Enemies were
> to be dealt with in the strictest sense. "Then... DIE!!"

thought, "I don't -- I'm uncertain of this one.

> "Huh?" Was all the Ghostbusters could say before a barrage of firecrackers
> exploded all around them. The men jumped or were thrown in every direction
> among popping explosions and debris. After a half of minute of solid
> destruction, the bombing ceased.

Huh?" Was -- Huh?" was

> Ray replied. "I guess not."

replied. "I guess -- replied, "I guess

> Bursting out from under a mound of dirt, Peter angrily yelled to his
> teammates. "Okay, that guy's sushi!"

teammates.  "Okay -- teammates, "Okay

> The other three shout. "Right!"

shout.  "Right -- shout, "Right (but, should that be 'shouted'?)

> Ray asked. "Ready?"

asked. "Ready -- asked, "Ready

> Peter asked. "Should we cross the streams?"

asked. "Should -- asked, "Should

> Peter asked again. "Should we cross the streams?"

again. "Should -- again, "Should

> Growing impatient, Peter asked again. "Should we cross the streams or not?"

again.  "Should -- again, "Should

> Egon was surrounded by a mound of notepad paper as he continued to cross
> reference his findings with his growing pile of books. "Uh... Maybe."

cross reference -- cross-reference (preferential, I suppose)

> Winston added. "Guys?"

added. "Guys -- added, "Guys

> "Ahh!" Screamed Ray as he fired his weapon, destroying a large boulder that
> had been thrown at them. Pebbles rained down in a shower of stone.

Screamed -- screamed

> "Not as endangered as him." He fired directly at Happosai who stepped to the
> left to dodge the beam.

Comma after 'Happosai'.

> Ray shouted. "Now!"

shouted. "Now -- shouted, "Now

> Winston pressed a button on his gun and the trap in the yard sprung open.
> Instantly, Happosai was sucked in and the trap sealed shut.

Nice.  How long does it last?

> Akane grabbed her sisters and jumped out of the kitchen window, just before
> the entire house came crashing down. Soun wept louder.

Hehe....

> Nodoka went over to Soun to comfort him, "At least the dojo is fine."
>
> With that, the dojo fell over and shattered into a pile of splinters.

HAH!

> She was about to say something to the fact that Soun still had his health,
> but decided to keep quiet.

Yes, Nodoka, you do that.  Heehee!

> Speaking while crying was a talent mastered by few, Soun was a Grandmaster.
> "There was a paranormal convention in town. I took it as a sign."

Seems like there's a missing 'but' in that first sentence.

> Akane shouted. "I'm not marrying that pervert!"

shouted. "I'm -- shouted, "I'm

> Nodoka placed her hand to her lips. "Ranko! How can you say that to your
> cousin?" She looked at Akane in anger. "How dare you speak about my son that
> way."

Should that last line be a question or an exclamation?

> "Ahem." Coughed Dr. Peter Venkman. He was holding a ghost trap that was
> reeking a foul smelling white smoke. "I hate to interrupt you fine people,
> but we're still on the clock. We need you to settle the bill."

Ahem." Coughed -- Ahem," coughed

> Soun dropped the demon head and pulled out his checkbook. "How much did you
> say it was to take him off my property, for good?" He asked the last part
> with a bit more emphasis.

Yeah, of course. :p

> Guido was watching the red-head and heard her say, 'Yeah' and nod her head.
> "Okay then. Do you, Ukyou Kuonji, take Ranma Saotome to be your lawfully
> wedded wife?"

....

> Ukyou, realizing that her plans could go up in smoke, she had to think fast.
> "I'll get rid of that for you. You didn't really want to marry Akane,
> right?"

Ukyou, realizing -- Ukyou realized (I think)

> "What was that all about?" Asked a puzzled Ranko.

Asked -- asked

> "Whatever." Akane huffed as she stormed off.

Whatever." -- Whatever,"

> Yeah, maybe I'll see you tomorrow, Mom, as the real me. Reflected a sullen
> Ranko.

me.  Reflected -- me, reflected

> "Let's go to my home, and get a good night's sleep, shall we?" Beamed a
> happy Nodoka. She kept up a brave face at all the devestation around them.
> She had no idea what Soun was going to do about his ruined home, but perhaps
> her husband may be able to help. She reached into her purse and took out an
> old piece of paper. On it, she wrote a note in lovely handwriting, "Dear
> Ranma, please come to my home. I miss you. Your Mother." Below, she wrote
> down her phone number and address and stuck the note on a freestanding
> support beam. "I hope he comes."

'Beamed' isn't really a speech indicator....

devestation -- devastation

> "Excuse me?" Came a voice from behind the panda. "Can you tell me where the
> Tendo dojo is. I could have sworn it was here." A boy wearing a yellow
> bandana and a large red umbrella stood there in confusion.

me?" Came -- me?" came

> The panda sighed.
>
> Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and
> won't invite the Ghostbusters to your next party.
>
> Last edited on Sunday, July 1, 2007
>
> Email me at becky at burgerbecky.com
> Or visit http://www.burgerbecky.com

On the downside: Not too much to complain about, other than some
grammatical snaffus.

On the upside: Hilarious.  Completely hilarious.

On the whole: An enjoyable work with only a few minor scuffs you could
easily polish out.  I remember this one now, and look forward to the
rest.  Even if it is partially because the Ukyou angle plays to my
biases. :p

Keep up the good work!

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.