[FFML] [Fanfic][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 12: Days...

[Eimii]

> "weight new" -> "weight of new"
>
> "when hit hits" -> "when it hits"
>
> Okay, now I'm grammar checking author's notes.  So I'm anal, so what.

Gah... i knew there were a lot of errors in this chapter, but i didn't
realize there were _this_ many. If i don't comment on something, i'm
probably just hanging my head in shame as i correct it for the next
draft -_-;...

> > Bah... at any rate, there is a significant new scene in this chapter,
> > and a significant new scene in the chapter that follows, and i am
> > terribly worried about both of them, and i would greatly appreciate
> > any thoughts from both new readers and old. So, without further ado, i
> > give you...
>
> Well, I _really_ liked the new scene.  No problems there.  It even made
> me feel better about the previous new fight scene, in retrospect.  I
> don't know why, though.

That's a relief ^_^;...

The new scene in this chapter was originally going to go in the
previous chapter, but it got waaay too long, and was taking forever to
finish. The two scenes are sort of Ino's reintroduction in this story,
so i suppose they were meant to work together.


> > She didn't see the shallow fold of stone that rose before her feet,
> > concealed as it was by the naked glare of the sun, but even then, she
> > should have been able to recover. She should have rolled with the
> > fall, but instead she landed hard, skinning her palms and burying her
> > face in the dirt.
>
> I think you reworked that paragraph; I like it better than the one I
> halfway remember.

I've been reworking this scene forever, trying to get it right; it's
good to know that this version works better than the last...

> > "I... do I know you?" The world seemed to slow for the young kunoichi
> > as she stared at the stranger's face. From the long, tousled pink hair
> > to the wicked smile and blazing green eyes, this was doubtless the
> > most striking woman Temari had ever seen- and she seemed so familiar,
> > but Temari couldn't remember who this person was, or how they'd met.
>
> "Atashi no fuuuusto kiisu!"
>
> Interesting that nearly-Sakura is so "striking" to Temari.  Hm.  As
> Temari was unconcious when the event occured, possibly her subconcious
> mind is aware even though she doesn't conciously remember.  Or maybe
> Sakura did leave something behind.  Could be both, I guess.

Well, part of the reason that Sakrua is 'striking' is because...
well... she is. She's got pink hair and green eyes, and i'm going to
go out on a limb here and say that in Suiren, unnatural hair and/or
eye colors stand out at least a little bit. Inner Sakura, if we want
to call her that, is also kind of intense...

>
> I remember some setup for Sakura questioning Temari, but nothing ever
> came of it.  Will that be between castle adventure and actual diplomatic
> mission?

That setup is changing quite a bit in the revision; the results will
be apparent in the next chapter...


>
> "Oh, Sakura-oneesama, you're the woman of my dreams!"

Ehehe ^_^;;... nooooot quite, i think; at the very least, if she was,
i think Temari would be rather disappointed by the real thing...

>
>
> > Moving over to the sink in the corner of the room, Temari washed her
> > hands and face, leaving the bedpan where it lay; they'd let her use a
> > proper toilet if she asked. Though she still felt some disdain at how
> > 'soft' they were, Temari was glad that the Village of the Hidden Leaf
> > treated prisoners of war with more dignity than her homeland did.
>
> A sink.  One way to kill yourself is to simply drink too much water.
> It upsets your electrolyte balance.  A woman died of exactly that in
> Sacramento recently.  The "hold your wee for a Wii" contest.  Those
> radio shock-jocks should not have gotten off scott-free.

The sink has a governed flow; it can be shut off completely from a
location external to the cell, and would probably not even be turned
on if they were holding a ninja that had demonstrated water-based
techniques.

>
> 'Course, should a prisoner want to commit suicide, I guess they could
> always simply bite off their tongue.

One supposes that there are a dizzying variety of ways a ninja could
commit suicide. I think they've decided that Temari is low-risk, in
that respect.

> > "S-shut up!" Sakura sputtered, coloring. "It's your fault!
> > _Everything_ rubs!" she hissed, looking around to make sure nobody
> > else had heard. "The damn burn cream leaves stains on my panties, too.
>
> So she's worried about stains, but is willing to potentially stain her
> favorite dress?

Well, she isn't using the burn cream either; she just got frustrated
and stopped using it entirely (possibly throwing it out the window in
the process), which is why just about any given fabric rubs her the
wrong way- particularly the waistband of her panties, as her burns are
around that area. The dress is silk, and not quite skin-tight; it
bothers her less.

> > When Sakura returned her gaze to the blonde girl, Ino was pleased to
> > see that all trace of guilt had vanished from Sakura's fiery green
> > eyes. "I can't believe you used a fucking exploding tag on me!" the
> > (naturally) pink-haired girl spat in wounded indignation.
>
> I don't see the need for the parenthetical.  Unless Ino is noticing that
> the carpet matches the drapes.

Eh, i'll probably remove that parenthetical; theoretically, Ino could
indeed be noticing this, but she probably already knew that anyway.

> > At first, Sakura adamant refusal to set her up with Sasuke had forced
>
> "Sakura adamant" -> "Sakura's adamant"
>
> Ah, adamantine, metal of the gods, how I love thee!  Strong, tough, and
> light, a metalsmith's delight!

That describes Sakura pretty well, post time-skip, though she might
turn out a bit differently in this story ^_^;...

>
> > "You've been stuffing your face since we got here. I've hardly had
> > any," Ino pointed out, generously scooping meat onto the griddle with
> > the supplied tongs.
>
> Perhaps "scooping a generous amount of meat"

Hmm... i dunno; i kinda like the the old version better.

> > "Oh, come on; you know you love that stuff," Ino teased, grinning.
> > "'Haruno Sakura, Super Research Ninja!' Poor, lonely ol' Yomiko-san at
> > the library is your biggest fan."
>
> Readman?  (Does being mentioned count as a cameo?)

Well, she actually puts in a short appearance later...

> > "You created it yourself, right? It's not one of your family
> > techniques?" Sakura half-praised, half-led with the aplomb of a used
> > sword salesman.
>
> Er, hm, I imagine swords are just swords, except for the really special
> named artifact swords like Orochimaru's Kusanagi.  I see that you're
> going for the 'used car' analogy, but it's not quite working for me.
> Try "used carriage salesman", maybe.

I considered that, but then i considered that most travel in Naruto
seems to be on foot. And i can sort of see a traveling salesman trying
to drum up interest in a sword by listing off its 'history' and the
esteemed persons that had weilded it in the past and never mind that
crack, the structure is perfectly sound, and...

> The Gorgon's never bothered me much.  By the time you get to Medusa, you
> probably have a shield of reflection, amulet of reflection, or silver
> dragon scale mail, so she'll off herself.  If by some mischance you
> don't, you should at least have a blindfold.  Go in blind and cut her
> down, she's a wimp.  Only someone who's never consulted with the Oracle
> would be in any danger.  The only interesting thing is that, given the
> chance, she'll steal your Quest Artifact.

O_o;... i don't know if Ino knows enough about greek mythology to have
the proper grounding for effective gorgon hunting...

> > When she started to lift her head, a curious slickness under her cheek
> > made Sakura pause. Next to her face, blurry black lines swam on a
> > field of white, but it took a moment for it to register that it was
>
> I don't like the flavor of "for it to register" here.  It feels clumsy
> when followed by another "it".  Perhaps "for her to recognise" or
> "realize".

That's a sentence i stumbled over for a while as well; i'll look at it
again and see what i can do.

> > a feeling of dampness on chest drew her attention to an inky stain
> > darkening the front of her dress.
>
> "on chest" -> "on her chest"
>
> That's, uh, a lot of drool, to do that much damage.

Yes... well, yeah -_-;. Sakura had just finished a meal, and fell
asleep with her cheek flat on the desk. We all have our idiot moments;
Sakura just has the distinction of having all of hers immortalized in
prose for everyone to laugh at...

> > *Inky stain?* Looking at the desk again, an icy spurt of horror raced
> > through Sakura's veins as she realized what she was seeing. *Oh shit,
> > the scroll! It's ruined!*
>
> Now, technically, that parses as having the spurt of horror performing
> the looking at the desk action.

Hmm... i shall take another look at that o_O;...

> > Hyuuga Yoshinari opened the door deliberately, as if he was afraid of
> > what he might see inside. The ANBU was wearing his signature mask
> > today, though his cloak had been replaced by a white lab coat that
> > marked him as a medical nin. "Good afternoon, Haruno-kun. Did I
> > disturb you?"
>
> Ever seen the "Dr. McNinja" webcomic?  `Cause that's what flashed thru
> my mind.

I have read it, though i wrote this scene long before i had ever heard
of it; serendipity is fun ^_^...

> > "No, but I was grappling with her, and I sort of licked her face."
> > Against all odds, Sakura discovered that she indeed could still blush
>
> I didn't remember such a lick, so I went back and checked.  In the
> version posted to the FFML, at least, the only lick is one that Ino
> hallucinated in the hospital.

I looked as well; she has a dream about the end of her fight with
Sakura, in which Sakura does indeed start licking her cheek, and then
she woke up and started hallucinating... so i'm not going crazy after
all ^_^!

It just didn't appear in the version of the fight that Shikamaru
narrated because it was happening while they were in the middle of the
smoke cloud, and the only one who could see them was poor, stunned
Hinata-chan...

> > Unconcerned by her deviant antics, the Hyuuga inclined his head to the
> > side in an analytical pose. "I was thinking the same thing. I wonder
> > if it's possible for the technique to manifest itself differently,
>
> Well, obviously it can be different.  It's never yet been the same
> twice.

Well, in the two instances that they've observed thus far, it _has_
manifested in the same way (total control of the victim's body while
maintaining total control of her own body), but the side effects were
completely different ('personality leakage' with Anko vs. no apparent
side effects with Temari).

With Ino, if it is indeed the same technique, even the manifestation
was different (Total control of the victim vs. 'illusory stalker'
syndome)

> > "A-Alright." Accepting the paper, Sakura held it out flat on her palm.
> > *Okay, I can do this. It's all a matter of making my chakra 'push' and
> > 'pull' the paper in the right ways, just like with the 'wall walking'
> > and 'water walking' tricks.* Experimentally, Sakura tried pushing up
> > on two corners while pulling down on the 'crease,' to make a single
> > fold. Her heart sank as she tore a hole in the center of the page.
> > "Dammit!"
>
> Hmm, Naruto totally could have used Sakura's chakra control in the past
> month or so.  He'd be pulling off quadruple Rasengans by now.

Indeed, and if Sakura had anything like Naruto's boundles chakra
reserves and gross chakra control (the ability to manipulate large
amounts of chakra at once), she would have found the rasengan pretty
easy to master... but she doesn't have either of those.

If she saw the rasengan, she could probably reproduce something like
it on a very small scale, but it would probably only be strong enough
to cut soft things like flesh, not wood or stone like the real
version.

> > "Pretty enough," Yoshinari commented in a hollow voice as he accepted
> > the crane. "In medical school... they use this as a test to see if
> > you've got what it takes to become a field surgeon."
>
> It occurs to me that this fits in well with whatever reasons Tsunade had
> to accept Sakura as a student.

Well, it's been remarked a few times in canon that, among the kids in
Team 7, Sakura's chakra control was the best; Kakashi noted that it
was nearly perfect, and that she wasted almost no chakra when
performing techniques.

>
> So is he going to show that crane to Ibiki?  I already had a hunch that
> ANBU was scouting her.  But this shows that she's a prodigy.  Hmmph, the
> only reason nobody knows it is that she's on the same team as two other
> prodigies, and that damn Kakashi doesn't know how to teach.  (Well, that
> and by fiat of the author.)

Well, yes; Asano sort of insunated in 'Release' that Ibiki might be
scouting her, though Sakura didn't quite pick up on it. And when it
comes to chakra control, Sakura is indeed a prodigy; this is a canon
fact.

Though part of the reason her talent never gets recognized is indeed
that she's on a team with two other rediculously incredible kids that
grab all of her instructor's attention, that isn't all there is to it.
Chakra control alone isn't worth much if you have no chakra _to_
control, and Sakura's stamina is pretty damn poor. Also, most
techniques probably don't make the best use of Sakura's control, since
they don't require fine manipulation of chakra. Exceptions would
probably include medical ninjutsu and genjutsu...

This one, however, is probably Kakashi's fault. It's stated in canon
(by Kakashi, no less) that Sakura has A) incredible chakra control,
and B) a natural talent for genjutsu, yet Kakashi didn't do anything
to put A) and B) together to turn Sakura into C) a genjutsu
specialist, which would have made her useful (at least until it became
apparently that, in canon at least, genjutsu that doesn't stem from
the Sharingan is all but worthless).

> > "Ah!" Startled, Sakura decided to focus on the wall instead of the
> > unnerving woman in front of her. "Haruno residence, please," she told
> > the operator.
>
> Hm, having an operator makes a lot of sense, both since it's a village-
> only network, and for security purposes.

That's what i thought as well. I'd considered not having phones at
all, but since they have short range wireless, i figured a local phone
system would not be unreasonable.

> > "I will, mom. G'bye." Returning the phone, Sakura thanked the scary
> > woman and hurried over to where Yoshinari was waiting by the door.
> > "Sorry about that," she apologized.
>
> "Thank you, scary woman!  Oops..."

Hehe...

> > The second-loudest genin in the Leaf sighed in annoyance. Why did
> > people have to turn into jerks when they got strong? Sakura had teased
>
> The sentence 'Why did... got strong?' sounds like it's directly taken
> from Naruto's thoughts, so it maybe should have the * markers, and be in
> Naruto's 'voice.'

Hmm... perhaps. One thing i've been trying to do is limit the amount
of 'verbalized though' that occurs in Suiren. Sakura is a little odd,
and i can picture her talking to herself quite a bit, but other
characters would probably do it to a lesser extent...

> > "No roughhousing in the library!" a stern voice called from the end of
> > the room, and in an instant Naruto found himself spinning out of
> > control as the scrolls on the shelves all around him came to life,
> > wrapping him in a cocoon paper as hard as steel.
>
> Mmm hmm.  "The Paper."

That's as much as we'll probably see of her, though ^_^;...

Thanks for the commentary! I'm currently working on the new scene(s)
for the next chapter, so hopefully that one won't take too long to
finish...

~Eimii